Touch Sensitive
by Bedwyr
Summary: Arthur is the golden boy. The son of Uther who owns about everything. He does everything to please his father, even marry a woman he does not love. Merlin is a marriage counsellor with a special gift. But he has dark secrets of his own he has to come to terms with. This is the story of their unlikely relationship. Merthur. M rating for some explicit sexual content/mostly T
1. Boy meets boy

**I do not own Merlin.**

This is my first ever Merthur story. I love Merlin and Arthur and the bond they have. I just never thought I would see them like this.

But what they have goes far beyond what we all want in our lives. A connection on so many levels. This is my take of their story and I hope that you are going to enjoy the journey they are taking together.

**WARNING: Some chapters in this story are explicit. Most are T-rated. **

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God! Is he in a rush to get to his 2 o'clock appointment.

As usual he has lost track of time completely. He stuffs his papers into his overfilled shoulder bag, grabs his writing utensils off the table and carefully manoeuvres himself through the maze of shelves stacked full with copies of the oldest and most facinating books Merlin has come across in the last couple of years.

Yes, Camelot has been quite a find. The antique book store has been his favourite haunt for quite a while now. He is lucky that Jeffrey, the owner, does not mind him coming in and using the books for his research. Okay, he does pay him back by working at the till two days a week. And he washes the floors every two weeks. Not to forget about helping Will, the full time assistant, with the arrangement of the display in the shop window once a month.

_Twenty to two already. Gaius is going to kill him if he is late again. _

But once Merlin opens an old book and gets sucked into one of its stories he forgets everything about him. He loves diving into a different world and detaching himself completely from reality. Delights in how it takes his cares and buries them. Gets drawn to the characters so much that they feel real. More real than anyone he meets in this world. The one where Gaius is tapping impatiently behind his desk at 'Rapport', no doubt an eyebrow raised in quiet criticism.

The young brown haired bloke at the till gives him a sigh on his way past and a broad grin. It is not the first time that Merlin leaves in a hectic rush. Arms and legs flailing everywhere, a book in his hands, his leather bag half sliding off his shoulder, a folder with some of his research in one hand, two pens in his other hand and his scarf almost trailing on the floor behind him.

"See you tomorrow, Merlin!' The guy shouts after him.

Merlin grins, waves and gasps a quick "Cheers, Will." before he tumbles out of the store, barely managing to hold onto all his stuff.

In two steps he is at his car. He could really do with a third hand to open the door, but in its elusive absence he throws everything in his hands onto the pavement to frantically search for his car keys in the depth of his brown jacket. Passingly he acknowledges the hole in the pocket, making a mental note to mend the darn thing. He has known of its existence for the most of a month, but so far it has not exactly made the top three on his list of priorities. At the bottom of his heart he knows that the garment is well beyond repair. With the ripped lining and the frayed rim around the collar it is not exactly at the height of fashion. Probably never was. Maybe once his next pay check comes in he will be able to afford a new one, but then – he inwardly sighs - the electricity bill is outstanding and so is the rent.

Merlin pushes the unpleasant thought away. He has never been well off, has never been able to afford the luxuries of life. That is just not his story. Growing up with a single mum from a humble background they have always struggled for the bare minimum. Now is not any different. He could not even have started researching for his book if Gaius had not offered to take him on in the agency. The salary provides for the bare minimum.

He finally pushes all his stuff onto the back seat and gets behind the wheel of his white Fiat Punto. He has bought the car for 100 quid with the money his mum saved up for him after he graduated from uni. He knows it is a pest, because it is old and has a habit of breaking down, but it feels part of him. It connects him with his mum, with her love and appreciation and it reminds him what he is working for. A completely renewed look on the Arthurian legends in a language that every Tom, Dick or Harry can understand.

He turns the key impatiently.

"Come on, Aithusa."

He talks to the little car as if he is encouraging it, gently caressing the steering wheel.

Yes, he has given it a name. And it is a girl's name. He knows that many people would consider it pathetic. He actually does not care. He came across the name in a lovely story about dragons and has always loved the way it rolls off his tongue. And he has fancied having his own dragon ever since he read his first book about knights and castles at the age of six. He chuckles at the thought, but realizes that Aithusa is not willing to do his bidding today.

The motor remains completely still.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Merlin swears and starts pushing the pedals as if he is working a heavy church organ.

"Stop throwing a tantrum, you little shit and just let's go"

Aithusa does not seem to care and blatantly ignores Merlin's increasingly desperate attempts to get her started. He wonders for the fraction of a second whether she is doing it deliberately.

Then suddenly there is life and a walloping jump forward. _God, has he really left this garbage heap in first gear again? _

The clear noise of splintering glass and crushing metal follows a split second later.

Merlin freezes. He has crashed into the car parked in front.

"Oh no" His head sinks in utter frustration. He cannot afford this. He has neither the time nor the money.

"Are you a complete imbecile?" A dark, highly irritated voice is directing abuse at him.

Oh no. A total plonker on top of it all. That is really the last straw.

"You better get out here so we can assess the damage for insurance purposes." The voice does not sound less angry, but seems to have more handle on the situation than he does. This definitely spells doom in capital letters.

Having no other choice he opens the door, realizing he needs to push it really hard. Something must have happened to Aithusa when he ploughed into the car ahead of him.

As soon as Merlin gets out his already cold blood curdles and for a second his heart stops beating because he is now aware that the car ahead of him is a bloody Porsche. It is a two seater sports car in the most gorgeous shade of icy blue. And he can see by the registration number that it is virtually new.

Well, apart from the spoiler that is hanging off rather limply. And the front light that looks like Vitali Klitschko has had a punching practice on it recently.

"Shit!" He whispers quietly to himself again, unaware that the owner is standing next to him glowering like a man at him who has been done wrong. Well, there is something to that…

"Oh, it speaks!" The voice rips him out of his misery and he finally raises his head to look at the guy. Intensely blue eyes raging with supressed anger meet his. _They are not unlike mine, just a bit lighter._ Merlin thinks and is confused why his brain even allows a thought like that right now when it looks like the guy is going to throttle him with his bare hands in the middle of a busy street in London.

And it looks like if he could. Because he is broad shouldered and muscular and his whole body looks well trained and, compared to Merlin's skinny bony frame, like a blooming fighting machine. It is not overdone though, but looks toned and healthy and quite attractive. Confused by the passing thought and Merlin drags his eyes away from the stranger's body to full face him for the first time.

Like it or not. The guy is gorgeous. The blue eyes are complemented by shiny blond hair and a jaw line any Greek God would have given his right arm for. Merlin mellows slightly, because it does not feel right to argue with a Greek God.

"I'm sorry. Mmmh.." Merlin is not quite sure what else he can say. He really _**is**_ sorry. He is usually not in the habit of destroying other people's property. No, he is definitely the social type that people take advantage of because he finds it hard to say no when he is asked. He likes helping because he never had much help himself. He knows how that feels.

"Sorry? You must be joking!" The voice thunders.

"Cars like that" and he spits, waving his head at Aithusa, "should not exist in this day and age. It's just embarrassing and downright dangerous!"

Merlin turns scarlet and now he is getting angry. Insulting him is one thing, insulting Aithusa a completely different one.

"Aithusa is a fine car and it usually starts fine, and it drives fine…" .Merlin realizes that he is not improving the situation by mumbling complete nonsense like a pupil that has been told off by his teacher.

The guy throws his head back and suddenly bellows out a roaring laugh.

"It has a name?" He is shaking with laughter now, and it makes him almost human, but Merlin cannot help but feel that the tone is condescending and that the guy is taking the piss.

"And you call this piece of scrap metal a fine car? You really are totally insane!"

Merlin blushes even deeper now and, with it, rage rises to his chest.

"I know that this is my fault…" he starts

"And yes, it bloody well is, "adds the guy, before Merlin can continue.

"….but there is no reason why you need to be such a prat about it and so bloody rude and arrogant."

That shuts the guy up for a second. He clearly has not expected Merlin to stand up to him or talk back. It seems that he is used to call the shots.

He stops short and looks at Merlin properly for the first time, takes in the tall lanky figure in the shabby clothing, assesses the angry look on his face, faintly acknowledges the high cheekbones, the full lips, the messed up mop of hair and the ridiculous ears.

He sighs as if giving in at such a picture of pity.

"Have you any idea how much this repair is going to cost?"

No, Merlin does not, and at the moment he does not want to know either. It is simply too depressing. He already anticipates that he will sleep in the cold and eat macaroni and cheese for the next six months, or longer.

"I need your insurance details." The guy starts busying himself taking his mobile out to type in the information.

"I'm waiting!" The voice sounds as if he is shouting orders to a servant.

Merlin swallows. This is the bit where everything is really going to go to pots.

"Yes?" The voice draws out the question. When there is no reply, the guy looks up at Merlin, notices the pale face, sees how the eyes flicker nervously.

"You have no insurance, have you?" The realization is almost breathless as he cannot believe how anyone on this world can be so stupid. It is followed by a huge sigh.

"No, I don't." Merlin retorts defiantly. He is getting ready for the blow.

"I want your name and address so I can get my lawyers on to you." The guy sounds business like now. What does he care that he is just about to ruin Merlin's life.

"You can get your lawyers on to me, but I cannot see what good it will do." Merlin states it like a fact.

"And why is that?"

"There is no way I can pay for your damages," Merlin feels humiliated admitting it, but it is the truth.

"We'll see about that." the guy hisses coldly at him and "Now get a move on. I had an appointment at two and I'm already late."

Merlin knows he has no choice and passes on his details with a heavy heart. He has almost forgotten that he was supposed to be at the agency at two.

The guy just mutters "You'll hear from me." and then leaves with the tyres of his Porsche screeching as he speeds down Waterloo Street in a hurry.

Merlin takes a big sigh and cannot believe to hear the motor purring to life at once when he turns his keys in the ignition. He shakes his head indignantly, but he knows that Aithusa is temperamental and that there is no point at all taking it out on her. He has no idea how he will deal with this latest catastrophe in his life, but to start with he needs to get to the agency. It is his main source of income after all.

He parks in the staff car parks at the back and runs up the beautiful flight of stairs. The agency works from a small old building and it is one of the quieter suburbs.

Merlin rushes past the sign. 'Rapport' – Relationship Counselling' and runs straight into Gaius who seems to be quite out of sorts.

"Where have you been? You are late!"

He sounds annoyed and although Merlin hates to disappoint his mentor, he has known Gaius since he has been six and can read him like one of his old books. He may be irritated, but he is not really angry. Gaius has been in Merlin's life since the day they found out. And then everything changed. It was Gaius who saved Merlin. And that formed a bond between them, almost like father and son. He was the father Merlin never had, the guiding hand that led him when he needed direction.

"Sorry, Gaius, but I had a small crash."

Gaius looks horrified for a second.

"Are you alright? What happened?" he inquires and his voice has changed completely.

"I'll fill you in later." Merlin says and puts his hand on the old man's arm to pacify him. "I'm fine, really."

"Who is my first client?"

"Well, I need to fill _you_ in on that." Gaius drags him into his office.

Merlin follows wondering what will await him this time. He has worked at the agency for two years now and he likes the fact that he has been the most successful counsellor around. He has reconciled 93 per cent of the couples who have come to him for guidance and advice and his record is unbroken all over the city. People wonder what his secret is, how he gets people to talk to each other again and how he saves their failing marriages.

Merlin smiles a little to himself. It is a secret that nobody, but Gaius, knows. Something that he finds difficult to explain, even if he tries really hard. But he has always had the skill to intuitively understand what people feel. A touch on the shoulder or even at the arm, held long enough, and it is as if the soul of that person speaks to him, tells him of their worries and needs. When he does it he feels something warm and golden flow through his veins, a feeling of power and love that transcends to the person in front of him, and encourages them to open up to him, to bare their soul and heart. After that his task is so much easier. It is his gift.

People have recommended him. Asked for him. He knows he could make a full time career out of this if he wanted to. He could earn really good money if he picked the right clients. But his heart is in medieval literature. Always has been. And he does not want to miss the chance to do what is in his heart. Although, he must admit that the accident today, might necessitate a change of policy on that sooner than he has hoped.

"A very old acquaintance of mine has asked me to counsel his son. It seems that his marriage has been in turmoil for a few months now. Rows, thrown pottery, shouting matches etc. …" Gaius looks at Merlin.

"So, nothing we have not heard before." The younger man sums up.

"This is different." Gaius sounds incredibly serious and Merlin looks at him questioningly.

"Your counselling has to be kept a secret."

"That is also nothing new, as everything we do is confidential anyway."

"I just want to make sure you understand. It is important for many of us that you succeed."

Now Merlin was really intrigued. This was going to be interesting. "So who are we talking about?"

"Arthur Pendragon." Gaius almost whispers the words.

Merlin's heart misses a beat and he sits back in his chair. Then he takes a deep breath.

Uther Pendragon is the uncrowned leader of this country. Every important decision sanctioned in parliament is run before him first. And it is not only the political power that makes him stand out above everyone else. The Pendragons are old money and not only filthy rich, but they know how to get richer by the second. They own more companies than the public probably knows about. Real estate, publishing companies, clothing empires, right down to chocolate production. They have a finger in everything that is top notch at the stock market.

Arthur is the only son and heir to the empire. And it was well documented in the papers when he married Vivien Dubois, the daughter of an equally wealthy business partner of Uther Pendragon. Any fracture in the marriage would be devoured by the press with glee, so it is no wonder that Gaius has asked for special confidence.

"Arthur Pendragon – The golden boy." Merlin remembers the nickname given to him in the tabloid press.

"That's the one" Gaius says. "Uther has asked for the best to deal with this and I am happy to oblige. The future of the Pendragon Empire depends on it."

Merlin wrinkles his brow. "How's that? Surely Arthur could divorce and find someone else?"

"Well, that is not what Uther wants. He is determined to keep the link to the Dubois family and wants a grandchild to cement the line."

Merlin nods in understanding and tries not to look smug, but he cannot deny that he is pleased that he has been given this special case. He enjoys the challenge and he genuinely wants to help. Even if his client is a wealthy upstart.

"You are the best, my boy" Gaius adds. "Work your magic on him."

Merlin smiles. "You know I will do everything in my powers…."

Gaius nods at him. "I have taken him into your room."

Merlin walks past reception where Gwen sends him a thumbs up. She has become a great friend since he has worked here and she is pleased that he has been entrusted with the destiny of this particularly important client.

The door to his room is slightly ajar, but he can see the outline of young man sitting in one of his cosy armchairs staring out of the window. The blond of his hair and the broadness of his shoulders look strangely familiar. Merlin closes the door and walks up to the man.

"Hello. I'm Merlin." He introduces himself. "I have been assigned to you."

The young man turns round and then the shock on both their faces almost cracks the glass of the old standing clock that is placed in the far end of the room.

Arthur is the prat with the Porsche.


	2. The golden boy

**I do not own Merlin.**

Thanks to all of you who are already following and have favourite this story which is really encouraging, as are your lovely comments! Thank you so much!

Hope the next chapter does not disappoint!

As chapter 2 and chapter 3 are fairly short I decided to post them both today, but I will usually post once a week on Friday!

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**2. The golden boy**

"I knew you were an ass, I just did not realize you were a bloody famous one." It has slipped out before Merlin can bite his lips and he knows that his remark is totally unprofessional. It is typical he did not recognize Arthur earlier. He does not follow celebrities. In fact he could not care less about them. It is actually surprising he even knows that Arthur Pendragon exists.

Arthur just rises from his seat, gives him one look and leaves the room muttering something along "I will not have a complete moron mess with my private life."

Merlin hears him talking to Gaius.

Then Arthur is on the phone. Merlin guesses that he is talking to Uther.

Ten minutes later he returns, his jaws clenched and his lips pressed together in a thin line. His face is slightly flushed.

"Seems like I have no choice but to go through with this." He sounds less annoyed rather than frustrated and tired now. He settles down in the armchair again and stares out of the window, seemingly avoiding Merlin's gaze deliberately.

"So, let's get this over with as quickly as possible." His voice indicates that he is clearly reining his emotions in and that he is gritting his teeth to get this over with as quickly as possible – just like a visit to the dentist.

Something inside Merlin takes a leap, but there is not time to ponder about it. He gets the registration form and sits down opposite of Arthur.

"Name?"

"Are you kidding?" Arthur hisses.

Merlin just glowers back and says. "I have to go through the motions. It is part of my job."

Arthur sighs. "I really did not think my day could get any worse." He mumbles under his breath.

"So, what are you going to do if I do not speak to you?" he adds and it is clear that he is challenging his opposite.

Merlin notices the change in Arthur's emotions: they have gone from anger and frustration to defiance. It is a classic.

He stops, looks up from the registration from and says very gently: "Considering how much your father seems to be interested in this, it would probably not be a very wise choice."

Arthur swallows hard. He knows that this is exactly the point; hates how a man who he barely knows and who seems to have the brain of a jelly fish has caught onto it after only a couple of minutes.

"Am I that obvious?" He says it more to himself than to Merlin, but the other man can still hear it. Arthur sounds resigned now, and sad. Merlin searches his face in slight bewilderment. He expected arrogance and prattiness, but not vulnerability.

"If you are trying to say that you hold your father in such high esteem that you are willing to bend to his wishes, yes."

Arthur lifts his brows a bit taken aback. This sounds a damn lot better than admitting that his father dominates him and always has. At least that is what it has always felt like.

But the way Merlin put it - in a way it is true. He loves his father even if he is responsible for a lot of his heart-aches. He has always tried to live up to his expectations and always feels that he never really manages. Not so far. The marriage was one of these things. It had been expected of him to marry Vivien. She was beautiful, even if she was not quite his type. The sex had been great, so he had not minded to start with because the marriage had fulfilled his father's wishes. But now, three years on….

Merlin has been watching Arthur intently and seen the shadows crossing his face.

"Let's finish registration and get on." Merlin suggests and Arthur reluctantly gives in, citing all his details as they go along. He is 31, CEO at Pendragon Inc. and lives in Nottinghill. He has been married for three years. The name of his wife is Vivien. And then he fills in all the other nitty gritty for finance and security.

"Right." Merlin finally proclaims. "Shall we get started, then?"

Arthur tenses. He has never been good with showing his feelings, and even worse talking about them. This is his worst nightmare. And then he does not even get a proper therapist, but an idiot who smashes other people's car at will.

"How uncomfortable – on a level between 1 and 10 - are you about this whole procedure?"

The question comes out of the blue and Arthur feels caught out again. How the heck does Merlin know what he is thinking? He does not know what to say. He has not been brought up to admit that he is scared or that he feels uncomfortable. Quite the opposite. So he just sits and stares at the corner of the coffee table, noting the ring a coffee mug has left there recently.

"That bad?" Merlin gives him a sympathetic smile that makes Arthur feels even worse. Nobody pities him – it is just ridiculous.

"I do not pity you." Merlin says and Arthur startles for the third time how accurately Merlin is reading him. "All I am trying to do is make you feel more at ease."

Arthur is crawling inside his skin now. He cannot remember being that embarrassed since the day he had to tell his doctor that his best part was infected when he was fifteen. His stomach is so tight he is sure that he will never eat again. He is so uncertain what to say or what to do. He is holding his breath, but there is no way he can actually speak.

"I can help you to relax, if you allow it." Arthur looks up, his eyes diving into Merlin's. The arrogant twat who humiliated him earlier is all but gone. All that is left is a young man left completely out of his depths in a situation he has no control over. Merlin vaguely feels a pang of sympathy and a little flutter of something else in his stomach area he could not even define if he tried hard.

"Okay." Arthur squeezes out hoarsely and Merlin pretends not to notice the slight blush on his face.

"I am going to put my hands on your shoulders now. Is that okay?" His voice is calm and soothing and there is no judgement in it. Arthur looks at him as if he has just said something completely alien. He has no idea where Merlin is going with that one.

"Ready?" Merlin is in his element now. This is what he loves doing, Merlin rests his hands gently onto Arthur's shoulders when the other man nods. He can feel Arthur's muscles and the heat of his body clearly underneath the thin shirt. They are so tense, it is almost as if he is touching stone. Merlin closes his eyes and reaches out to the golden flow inside him and then directs it through his fingers. He can feel when he connects with Arthur.

Arthur has been more than sceptical about this, but at this stage anything that helps him to get through this can only be a bonus. He is shocked by the strange sensation that is pouring into him as soon as Merlin touches him. There is warmth to start with, and his muscles moan a sigh of relief when it hits them. Then they start to untangle and relax. It is a welcome sensation, but nothing compared to what comes next.

A feeling of calm and serenity spreads through every fibre of his body and within seconds of Merlin's touch, his body and his mind seem to be floating on a cloud of inner peace. He has never felt like that before. He does not even realize that he closes his eyes and that his body slumps further into the armchair. His breathing has calmed and the feeling of tranquillity is overwhelming. After a lifetime of being continuously challenged, put under pressure to perform from primary age and trying to do what was expected since he could speak, he suddenly feels he can let go. And he does.

Before he can consciously think about it his eyes are welling up and a couple of tears are rolling down his face and he only notices them when they start dripping off his face and start dampening his shirt.

He suddenly feels that it is okay, just to be. And to be himself.

"Tell me about yourself." Merlin's voice seems far away, but like a steady guide.

And then it all pours out of him.

How much it still hurts that his mother died at his birth, how he feels solely responsible for death and how much, oh how much he has always longed for a motherly hug. How jealous he was of other kids at school to get cuddled in public rather than get a clap on his shoulder by his father. How he has tried to please his father all his life. How all he wants is to get accepted for who he is rather for who he is supposed to be. How he is used to push his innermost feelings aside and buries them deep, deep down in his soul.

Merlin just stands behind him and takes it all in. The hurt, the pain, the regret and the sorrow. The words are hurriedly spoken, as if Arthur is embarrassed to utter them. But as unsure as they sound, the emotions that return to Merlin through the flow of gold that pulsates between them are clear and strong and quite self-explanatory. Merlin receives them and returns acceptance and understanding and he feels the turmoil in Arthur's mind ease and finally settle.

Then there is silence and Arthur leans into Merlin's touch without realizing it. He feels so blissfully himself with those hands on him and he does not want it to end. There is a connection between him and that skinny, dark-haired, weird man. That much he understands, although he cannot put a finger on what it could possibly be. But he knows he has never felt anything like this with anyone before. Just at the moment when he starts weighing up how strange that is, Merlin lifts his hands off.

It is as if Arthur gets doused with ice cold water. He jolts involuntarily and then opens his eyes trying to make sense of what just happened.

"What on earth was that?" He mumbles dumbfounded, unable to believe that he has just bared his all to a complete stranger. Not even Morgana has heard all of this. His half sister has been his rock for most of his life, but she has never got as close to his soul as Merlin has within the last hour.

Arthur clears his throat and when Merlin comes round to face him, he just stares into his blue eyes, unsure how to react after all his revelations.

Merlin smiles at him tentatively. "How do you feel?"

"Light-headed and odd." Arthur hesitates. "How did you do that?"

"It is an old relaxation technique I learned many years ago." Merlin lies very plausibly.

"Oh." is all Arthur musters and Merlin leaves it at that. He instinctively understands that Arthur will have to work through this experience on his own before he can move on with the therapy.

"So are we finished for today?" Arthur asks.

"Yes, I think you have done really well, Arthur."

Arthur does not feel totally comfortable with the fact that Merlin knows so much about him now. He still does not understand what came over him to tell that shabby looking Porsche killer virtually every secret he holds in the depths of his soul. A man he has barely met. Arthur eyes Merlin suspiciously, but he can neither see nor feel any ill intent.

"Right, when do I come back?" Arthur pauses. "I assume, that I have to?"

"We are only starting out, Arthur." Merlin confirms that there is no way of getting out of another session. "You can make an appointment with Gwen at reception before you leave. Your wife has been contacted for her first appointment, too."

Arthur gets up, still feeling a little bit drowsy and strangely elated. He steadies himself on his feet and makes for the door. Just before he puts his hand on the door handle, he slowly turns round.

"I am sorry for the way I treated you earlier. The thought of coming here was killing me." And before Merlin can answer he is out of the door.

Merlin's jaw drops. That was more than unexpected. There seems to be a lot more to Arthur Pendragon than meets the eye. He felt it earlier and the apology just confirms it. The golden boy is a person well worth knowing once you start looking further than skin deep.

Merlin finishes the notes he has made and looks at them in reflection. The moment he fused with Arthur's emotions through the medium of his gift there was something there ….. He is not sure what. There was something …different, something he could not put into words, even if he wanted to, but whatever it was - it went beyond any other connection he has had before.

And then he cannot help a big grin spreading all over his face – Arthur and Merlin. If it was not so laughable he could easily believe that fate meant this to happen.

Merlin shakes the thought as quickly as it appears. He knows he cannot afford even half a thought on that and why would he anyway? Not only is Arthur a client, but he has too much baggage himself. He knows that with his condition there is very little chance that he will ever have a proper relationship. Nobody will take him on the way he is. And he can understand why. He has tried before and failed every time. He has had enough of hurt and tears. No, he does not do that anymore. It is just too painful.


	3. The wife

**I do not own Merlin**

Thanks to all of you who are already following and have favourite this story which is really encouraging, as are your lovely comments! Thank you so much!

Hope the next chapter does not disappoint!

As chapter 2 and chapter 3 are fairly short I decided to post them both today, but I will usually post once a week on Friday!

* * *

**3 . The wife**

She could pass as a film star. Vivien Pendragon is not only slim, delicately toned and perfectly tanned, she is also immaculately groomed in every way – understated make up, trendy hairstyle, designer outfit, heels and sunglasses to match the Valentino handbag.

She waltzes in the agency as if she owns it. Gwen inwardly rolls her eyes, but still secretly damns that she is wearing one of her older outfits today.

"I have an appointment at four." Vivien demands, deliberately not introducing herself.

She seems to expect people to know her.

Merlin throws Gwen a look behind Vivien's back. Gwen grins and decides to treat the woman just like everyone else. If anything, she hates pretentious people. She rustles up her sweetest smile and innocently asks: "What is your name, please?"

The woman's jaws visibly tighten a bit, but she makes most of her introduction.

"I am Vivien Pendragon, darling." Her gaze pierces Gwen and the condescending tone of her voice is well practised.

"Of course, Mrs. Pendragon." Gwen replies with a professional smile, taking the wind out of her sails. There is no way she will be beaten into submission by that stuck up dolly bird.

"Hey, you." Vivien continues and waves at Merlin. "Get me a glass of water before I go in there." It is clear that this is an order and that she expects Merlin to jump and just do it. "I assume that …. what's his name ….Mr. Emrys is ready for me. I am a bit in a rush."

"I am ready, indeed." Merlin replies, totally ignoring her startled reaction. He feels how she is giving him a once over and notices her eyes narrowing and the tiny shake of her head. Obviously he is not up to her standards when it comes to therapists.

"Would you please follow me?"

Merlin senses that she does so only reluctantly. But – undoubtedly - she has been told what is expected of her just like Arthur, and she knows better than to be uncooperative.

The registration procedure is completed quickly. Then Merlin looks up at her. She has draped herself over his sofa and is in the procedure of checking her mobile.

"Mrs Pendragon." Merlin draws her attention.

Vivien looks up and sighs impatiently at getting interrupted. She locks eyes with him, her gaze suggesting that all she does is humour him.

"Right." She snaps. "Look here. This is very easy. I married Arthur. We are expected to produce heirs. So _you_ just talk to him and tell him to get on with it."

Hmmm. A highly interesting start. Merlin chuckles to himself. This woman has not even got the slightest intention of making a go of this. Well, he will not let her off that easily.

"Why did you get married to Arthur?" He asks, knowing that direct questions usually elicit direct answers. Vivien does not disappoint.

"He is a Pendragon and he is rich. " Vivien is very matter of fact.

When Merlin gives her a quizzing look, as if to say 'Is that really it?' she adds rather reluctantly: "Okay, he has a gorgeous body and he is hot."

She gives Merlin a derogative smile: "Surely even someone like you can see that."

Merlin is not sure whether she is insulting his intelligence or whether she is actually taking a dig at his appearance. Although he knows better than to react to impertinence like that he can feel himself blushing and it annoys him. He knows fine that he is too skinny and that his arms and legs have a life of their own. Yes, he is well aware that his cheekbones stick out like pieces of glass and that his ears resemble mini satellites. He knows that his hair has not seen any decent styling for about a good year. And his clothes, oh well. But that does not make him a lesser person.

That woman is so bloody rude she should take a course in manners rather than marriage counselling. But, aware of his position and that this is work, he swallows the insult and maintains his professionalism.

"And the sex was amazing …." Vivien continues just to stop and then adds "… to start with", uttering a little frustrated sigh.

"So you were in love with him?" Merlin tries to nail her on the matter.

"I wanted him." Vivien is not shy or embarrassed about admitting it. She smirks and explains. "I always get what I want."

"Wanting and loving is not exactly the same."

Vivien stares at him for a moment, and her brows wrinkle for a micro second as if she is contemplating his words. A second later she has lost interest in the question and starts eyeing her i-phone. It is blatantly obvious that the point is lost on her.

"This…" She waves around …"is starting to get tedious, _Mr._Emrys." She draws out the Mister in the most dismissive way.

"Are we finished now that you have established the facts?" She pops her head to the side and pouts. It looks like a well-practiced learned pose. Something she clearly does to get what she is after. Merlin wonders if Arthur has fallen for this before. If he has just smiled and given into her.

Merlin smiles "Not quite. There are a few other questions I have to ask you."

"What do you think is going wrong between you and Arthur at the moment?"

Vivien catches her breath.

"How much time have you got?" She hisses, but then rattles off all the things that annoy her most as quickly as possible.

Arthur is never at home, prefers work to her company, moans every time she goes out with her friends, but then spends more time with his friends than her, gets annoyed when she spends a little bit of money here and there when she so desperately needs a new outfit to go out. He neither cares about the quality of her manicure nor the black stain on the leather seat of her Jaguar. He has done nothing about that and he would just have to snip his fingers. It was not her fault that her mascara ended up on the seat. And that is just the beginning of it.

And so she goes on and on, and even Merlin, who is used to stories like hers, starts wearing a bit after a while.

"Thank you, Mrs. Pendragon." It is funny how they have never gone past the formal address. But he cannot even contemplate calling her by her first name.

"I think that will do for today."

"So you are going to tell Arthur to stop being stupid and to behave, aren't you?" Vivien finishes and fixes her dark brown eyes on his.

"I will see your husband again tomorrow and we will discuss things." Merlin makes sure his answer can be read any way she likes.

"Please make another appointment with Gwen before you leave."

"Just phone me, if I need to come back." She snaps, grabs her bag and leaves, mumbling something like "I never even got a glass of water …substandard place." under her breath. She damn well knows though that Merlin can hear every word.

Merlin is shaking his head to himself. How did Arthur, who would have the pick of all women in this world, end up with someone like that? Vivien has not just become the obnoxious person she is in the last three years. Why would Arthur ever concede to marry someone like that? Just for amazing sex?

Merlin's insides clench for a second and he swallows – well, having good sex actually cannot be dismissed when you are with someone. Of course, as far as relationships go – a decent sex life is simply not enough in the long run, but it damn well helps to get along. He should know because that is what he will never have, can't have.

Of course Merlin knows that his question why Arthur and Vivien are a pair is purely rhetoric – it all comes down to Arthur's relationship with his father. This is at the bottom of all this. This is what he has to resolve before Arthur can move on. To wherever that is. He vaguely notices his heart beating a little faster at that thought, but his mind is already in a different place.

Merlin bites his lips, realizing suddenly that for the first time in his career as a counsellor he feels really strongly that he should not even attempt to bring these two together again. Arthur deserves somebody better, someone who really cares about him, who sees his vulnerability and is there for him. Not that cold hearted bitch in the body of an angel that has just left.

"Merlin?" Gwen is at the door.

"Sorry, I'm coming!" He shouts and tidies up the papers quickly. He is giving her a lift home today. Well, if Aithusa is willing. Unfortunately she has been even more temperamental than usual since the accident. It seems that not only the door was damaged in the procedure, but something has gone wrong with her insides, too. He really should take her to a garage, but there is just no way he can fork out for an expensive repair just now.

Gwen lives in the flat next to him, or rather _he_ lives in the flat next to _her_. Because she stayed in their block of apartments first. He owes it to her that he got his first decent accommodation after a lifetime of staying in digs of debatable quality.

They stop off at Tesco's on the way home and Gwen offers to cook that night. Merlin accepts gladly. He is quite a dab hand in the kitchen himself, but tonight he is preoccupied. The Pendragon case is bearing heavily on his mind. It is not like him to take sides. He might have had a preference for one or the other partner in some cases before, but this is on a different scale. He really, really hates the guts of Vivien.

"Looks like Arthur Pendragon and his wife deserve each other. " Gwen states over the vegetarian pasta. She has been trying to make conversation for the best part of an hour, so far with very little success.

"Ah, that got your attention." She grins when Merlin suddenly looks alert. "You have been unusually quiet this evening."

"Sorry, Gwen!" Merlin mutters and his ears turn a darker shade of pink.

"Anything you want to share?" Gwen asks, eyeing her friend closely. She knows that something is up, she has witnessed Merlin in many of his moods and she can tell that something has upset him.

Merlin knows she is not asking for any morbid details about the Pendragons, Gwen is just not like that, but that she wants to find out what is bothering him.

"It is decidedly wrong…" Merlin starts and stops. Gwen has a big question mark on her face.

"It does not seem right…." Merlin has another go.

"Oh, for goodness sake, Merlin. What are you trying to say?"

"They should not be forced to live together again." Now, Merlin has said it. "I think it is totally wrong."

"Wrong for her or for him?" Gwen enquires, trying to analyse Merlin's comment.

Merlin visibly blushes now and Gwen's eyes widen, intuitively grasping something Merlin has not realized himself.

"This is about Arthur, isn't it?" She enquires quietly.

That is the only option. With Merlin being openly gay, it kind of excludes Vivien. Apart from that, the woman is surrounded by an aura of icy conceitedness and self-importance that no person with a hint of common sense would go anywhere near her.

But Arthur? He is a looker, and she gets it why people would be attracted to him. But he does not exactly come across as a warm person, either. No, he behaved in a rather arrogant and supercilious way at the office. For Merlin's sake she is not going to air her own opinion just now.

Merlin lowers his eyes and stares at his plate, following the pattern of the plate mindlessly. The blush is spreading all over his cheeks now and extends to his neck.

"You _like_ him. Is that it?" Gwen's tone is a tiny bit incredulous.

And from the way she says it is clear what kind of 'like' she is referring to.

Merlin hears it, but the words confuse him. In fact, he looks aghast at her. No, he has not said that. He doesn't mean that. Surely not. Where does Gwen get that from? Any why would he? Anyway. The shock of the statement sends his blood rushing through his body at ferocious speed and a wave of heat follows.

"No, don't be an idiot, Gwen." He recovers swiftly from the comment. I just think that there is no chance of a happy relationship there at all. My job is to heal relationships, to make people want to be together again, to make them HAPPY."

Merlin does not realize that his voice has grown louder as he continues speaking. Gwen just watches him intently, more aware of his emotions than he is.

"Arthur has no chance of ever being even remotely happy with her. "

"How can you be so sure?" Gwen can see that Merlin might need an objective point of view.

"We used to take bets that you would not be able to reconcile certain couples. Remember the Butlers? I bet 50 quid that they would never take a look at each other again. But then you simply took them apart and put them together again. They had another blooming baby after you."

Merlin sighs. "There is much more to him that you notice at first sight." He avoids answering Gwen's question directly and lowers his voice now, as if he is speaking to himself. The memory of the connection they shared is very much on his mind.

"Deep down he is a decent man who has a good heart and it does not deserve to be permanently trampled on by someone who could not give a toss about how he feels."

Gwen bites her lips. She really really does not want Merlin to get hurt. Again. She met him not long after he broke up with his last boyfriend. And although pretending to be happy and cheerful on the outside and being a brilliant person to spend time with, she soon found out that he was in shambles on the inside. That he was crushed almost beyond repair. Because he knows that his condition will always make his life really difficult. It has taken him more than a year to get somewhat over it.

Gwen inwardly sighs. "Oh, Merlin, be careful, I …" She puts an arm on Merlin's hand and she is just about to finish her sentence when the doorbell goes.

"A registered letter for Mr. Emrys." Merlin signs for the letter. It is obvious from the envelope that it comes from a rather posh firm. ….. and …..

Merlin pales and opens the letter. It is from Arthur's lawyers. They have requested his presence in a hearing about the accident to determine the damage.

His heart plummets and he has no idea why he feels so bloody betrayed.

"Bastard!" he mumbles and chucks the letter on the sideboard in the hall. Gwen is right. Arthur is not much better than Vivien. He could not care less what this will do to him, how it will affect his life. Of course Merlin does admit the accident was his fault, but he cannot help feel bitter about THIS. It feels like Arthur is dragging him in front of the fucking inquisition and that the sentence to be burnt has already been passed before he even turns up.

"Oh, Merlin." Gwen has seen the envelope and realizes by the look on his face that the letter is the bringer of doom.

"You want to talk about it?" She asks putting her hand on his.

When he shakes his head, she quietly walks to the front door after casting a last look at her friend who has slumped on the sofa staring at the switched off TV.

"Night, Gwen." Merlin croaks. "Thanks. Really appreciate all the …." He waves somewhat lost, but Gwen understands and just nods. "Give me a shout if you want." She adds in a sympathetic voice before she leaves.

Merlin just sits and tries to sort out his tangled feelings. His head is humming in confusion - he is so puzzled about so many things. But, after all this, what is preying most on his mind is the knowledge that he has to face bloody Arthur Pendragon the next afternoon even before he meets up with his lawyers on the Monday of the following week.


	4. Denial

**I do not own Merlin**

I am so pleased that more people have found this story worthwhile reading! Thanks so much for your follows and reviews!

So here is the next chapter - setting the scene for events to unfold later. :)

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Arthur is running up the staircase to the agency and is delighting that it does not cause him to get out of breath. Even at the monumental age of 31 – he grins at the thought - he is in great shape and proud of it. He has always enjoyed keeping fit and loves his regular sessions at the gym.

He has had two days to mentally digest his first session with Merlin. And to his own surprise he has spent quite a lot of thought on it. A lot more than he anticipated. If he is honest with himself he has hardly stopped going over it since he left the last time.

The conversation touched on something in him he has always pushed aside and his sudden outburst brought up raw and painful memories. Things he usually prefers not to deal with because it is too upsetting. And Arthur Pendragon cannot be upset or distracted by emotions. Too much depends on him.

Yet, the thought of Merlin's hands on his shoulders has left him craving for more. He wants to feel like that again. Wants to feel that peace inside him. Wants to revel in that sensation of being understood.

Arthur shakes his head at himself. Is he really falling for this girlie airy fairy rubbish? He has never given any credit to alternative healing techniques and is a bit miffed and alarmed that he feels quite excited about coming here again.

"Good morning, ." Gwen greets him with a friendly smile. She is watching him carefully as he approaches, secretly checking out why Merlin would be inclined to take a shine to him. He does look gorgeous in his tight black jeans, the grey designer T-shirt and the casual smart fitted jacket and there is no doubt that he will turn many heads walking down a road. But looks alone would not sway someone like Merlin who can suss out people with just one glance. He must see something more in him, something not quite visible to the average passer-by.

"Don't tell me Merlin is late again." Impatience rings in Arthur's voice when he cannot spot his counsellor anywhere. Gwen cringes inwardly. The guy has just arrived and is moaning already. Merlin must be totally on the wrong track with him. Everyone makes a mistake at one point. But this mistake could cost her friend dearly and she strongly objects to that.

"I'll call him for you." She says and is just about to buzz Merlin's office when its door opens and Merlin pops out his head.

"Come in, Arthur." His face is dead pan and Arthur does not know what to make of it.

"So, how are you today?" Merlin asks once they have taken a seat.

"I am good, no ….great." Arthur adds and finds his heart beating a little bit faster.

"Great?" Merlin questions his answer and raises an eyebrow. A guy who has serious marriage problems should probably not feel 'great'.

Arthur immediately gets the drift and a blush creeps over his cheeks.

"I mean, I am okay with coming here today."

'I am pleased to hear that, Arthur." Merlin sounds completely professional and detached. His cool behaviour rattles Arthur more than he is willing to admit. He was, in a strange kind of way, looking forward to this. But suddenly he is all ill at ease.

"Have you spoken to your wife since we last met?" Merlin starts.

"No, I am not staying in our house just now." Arthur informs him casually. And then, as if this needs further explaining. "I am staying at my apartment in the company building at the moment."

"Right, I see. Well, I had a session with her yesterday." Merlin continues and this time it is Arthur's turn to pull his eyebrow up. He cannot possibly imagine what Vivien could have said about their marriage and what stories about him she might have dished up.

"She has put all her issues in front of me and I would like you to do the same, so I can determine where both camps stand exactly." Merlin still maintains the impersonal note in his voice and Arthur notices it. Last time, he had the feeling that Merlin cared and understood. But he must have been wrong. The guy is doing no more than his job. Following Uther's orders and so should he.

Arthur pales and stiffens and something inside him is tightening up in a knot. This is not what he came for. But he is here now and he is not known for throwing the towel in once he has started something. Giving up is simply not part of his vocabulary.

He eyes Merlin from the side to find the dark haired man gazing at him. The look is hot and piercing and oh so different from his behaviour. Merlin's ears take a deeper shade of pink when he notices that Arthur has caught him out. But he hides his discomfort quickly and gets on with it.

"We have established why you married Vivien. Is there anything you would like to add to that?"

Arthur shakes his head. There was nothing else but duty and sex.

"So how do you see your marriage now?" Merlin suddenly faces him full on and Arthur almost flinches at the attack of the intense blue in his eyes.

He clenches his jaws realizing that he almost gasped out loud.

Then he says quietly "There is no marriage." and focuses on the trees outside to keep his eyes off that captivating face and continues.

"Vivien wanted it, I know that. In fact our wedding day was a triumph for her. I was.." and at that Arthur gives Merlin a sarcastic side look as if he assumes that Merlin might not quite get that point "….the most eligible bachelor in this country for quite a while. It was the scoop of her life. And she loved that it was her who walked down the altar with me. That it was her who got the prize."

Merlin cringes at the way Arthur describes himself. Like an object that was there for the taking. A prize that was to be had. It must hurt.

But he has chosen to detach himself from all this. It is the only way he can proceed with the counselling. He did not sleep a lot last night after Gwen left. Thinking about what she'd said. That he liked Arthur. _Liked_ him. That way. Not just as a client. He knows he cannot afford to get attached. His heart flutters a moment at the thought. The gold inside stirs at the same time and it quietly forms soft swirls as if it is waiting for something.

His reason does not get it. Why does he even consider the notion? Arthur is rich, arrogant, married, straight… He could go on, but _that_ is surely enough to clarify that the whole idea is totally mad and illogical. There is no one else in the whole wide world that is less suited for him and more unavailable than the overwhelmingly gorgeous man in front of him. Which takes him straight to the ruffled blond hair and the slight stubble on that classic chin.

He is just being an idiot, mislead by the gold inside him, by his yearning to love and be loved. Idiot! He shouts at himself as he watches Arthur taking stock of his marriage and he finds himself biting his lip in sympathy.

Despite the bloody letter from Arthur's lawyers that is burdening his mind. Still, the thought of it sobers him up just a tiny bit. Whatever Arthur says, it takes a very cold, uncaring person to take counselling session from a guy he is just about to destroy financially.

Merlin swallows and his Adam's apple keeps bobbing up and down.

In the meantime Arthur continues talking about Vivien and what it is like living with her. All she cares about is what they look like to other people and that they keep up appearances so they remain the golden couple envied by the rest of the world. She makes most of her status as a member of the Pendragon family. He cannot stand how pretentious she is, how much she loves all the rumble of photographers searching them out, following them, people bending over backwards to please them because of who they are. He is pretty sure she actually loves the paparazzi.

Just then he finds himself staring at Merlin's teeth biting his bottom lip. When he drags away his runaway eyes, he is embarrassed and annoyed that that guy in front of him has that effect on him. And what effect is that anyway? The thought interferes with his talk about Vivien and he stops.

"Yes?" Merlin enquires quietly.

Arthur sighs and simply states: "Well, that is it."

Merlin looks at him, a big question mark on his face. Arthur stopped virtually mid- sentence. There is something else going on here. Some kind of turmoil – he does not even need the power of his gold to determine that. He is just not sure what exactly it is.

"Maybe you can help me…?" Arthur squeezes out, very much against better judgement and swallowing his pride "….to relax?" There is a tiny hopeful note in his voice, but Merlin chooses to ignore it. He has no idea what will happen if he connects to Arthur again. He does not trust himself enough to do that. It is too much of a risk. He has a job to do, nothing else.

"I do not think that will be necessary today." He can feel Arthur closing up like a shell when he says it. Shit. This is not good for the outcome of the reconciliation process and he has his clear instructions from Gaius what is expected of him. Arthur has to make up with Vivien. Is meant to produce babies. Uther wants to be informed weekly about the progress of the counselling. And he will not stand for anything else but success.

Arthur freezes when Merlin declares that he is unwilling to repeat last time's relaxations procedure. The barriers are going down that second. It cost him a lot to even suggest it. To get rejected is just downright cringe worthy. To say that he feels moronic is putting it mildly. And he is not used to having a favour rejected.

There is a moment of silence with both staring at a chosen piece of furniture. Finally Merlin pulls himself together.

"Is there anything you think you two have in common? Something you like doing together?" Merlin asks and, on realizing what he has just said, blushes and quickly pushes out the little add on:

"Apart from the sex, I mean. " He mutters and appears clearly embarrassed. Arthur shakes his head and looks at him incredulously.

"That does not happen at the moment, so stop being an idiot about it. " Arthur is not bothered admitting it. He has no intention of touching that blond witch ever again. There is no way he can share his bed with someone he does not even respect a tiny bit.

Merlin's cheeks are burning, flabbergasted why the admission sends a wave of hope through his mind.

Arthur ponders the question for a moment doing his best to cooperate.

"We both enoy riding. We have got stables on our estate in the country."

It is alright for some, isn't it? Merlin cannot help making a sarcastic comment in the back of his mind. A country estate and riding. Typical. The pleasures of the rich. But that has nothing to do with his plan.

"I suggest that you both agree on an outing to go riding together and see how you get on." Merlin is saying it against his better judgement. Even if Arthur is a soul destroying prat, he is as sure as hell that Vivien is totally wrong for him.

"What is that supposed to do?" Arthur is, unsurprisingly, not very convinced about this.

"It means that you will spend some time together. Doing something that you used to enjoy together creates a common emotional base. Sometimes it helps to set up a first step towards reconciliation."

Arthur's face is like a closed book, but then it suddenly lightens up and he almost grins.

"I will agree to this on one condition." He eyes Merlin with apparent schadenfreude.

Merlin has no idea what to expect, but the look is not promising something he will like.

"I'll go if you come, too." Arthur says it and bares his teeth in a big grin.

What the ….. What is that supposed to mean? It sounds like bloody blackmail. Why on earth would he want to spend an afternoon with that arrogant ice cube of a woman? The black haired man bites his lips and throws Arthur a look that could kill. This is not in his job remit by any means and Arthur knows it.

"Surely this will give an invaluable insight on the workings of our relationship. It might, in fact enable you to solve our problem double quick."

Merlin does not even want to imagine what spending a longer stretch of time in Vivien's presence must be like. Yesterday's session was quite enough. But he is under pressure to get the Pendragons to talk. "Just do anything you can" Gaius said to him earlier. "Uther expects it." Shit. What is even worse is that it means being close to Arthur and _that_ is going to cost him a lot of substance. Because whatever his common sense is trying to tell him, his gut simply does not want to listen.

As Merlin is awash with contradicting thoughts and emotions his face is twisting and contorting in a rather spectacular way. It is rather endearing on the one hand, but really comic on the other.

Arthur cannot help but laugh at what he sees. He throws his head back and blurts out full heartedly. Merlin's heart stops, watching how that neck bends backwards and bares the soft flesh at the side of it, and he wonders what it must feel like to touch just … there. God! Did he really just think that? Moron! He is so annoyed at his wayward feelings. Using a massive amount of will power he rips himself out of the day dream.

Arthur is clearly misinterpreting the fluttering of Merlin's eyelids and the tightening of his jaws.

"Afraid?" He is roaring with laughter now although he is not even sure why. But laughing is such a great relief after the earlier tension.

"Come on Merlin. Don't be such a girl. Say yes." He eggs his opposite on.

"Remember, she wants my balls not yours." And at that Arthur chuckles again and it is so infectious that Merlin is helpless against its powers and can do nothing but join in.

Eventually Arthur's body can't take it anymore and his bellowing laughter turns into coughing and while he is trying to compose himself and breathe again he splutters all over the place.

"Would you perhaps like a glass of water?" Merlin is trying to salvage the situation and this is all he can think about at this very moment.

Arthur just nods, and Merlin leaves, returning with a glass of sparkling mineral water in his hands two minutes later. And then it happens.

Just as he is about to reach Arthur and hand him the drink, his foot gets caught on the corner of the rug under the sofa. And before he can react, he trips and the glass is thrown in the air and the water showers down on Arthur. At the same time he falls, just to be caught by Arthur in the process before he crashes on to the floor. He hears the glass smashing on the wooden floor somewhere behind him.

Arthur's hand gets caught between the buttons of his shirt and rips it apart, his steadying hand landing on Merlin's naked chest. For a micro second they can feel each other's breath. For that fraction of a moment in time they see heat and want in each other's eyes and take note of the wild drumming of their hearts. For that tiny glorious instant there is the recognition of something neither can fully grasp or acknowledge. But even if their minds do not get it, the notion reverberates inside them and heads straight down south.

But that heart stopping moment is interrupted brutally a split second later by Merlin's reaction. He recoils violently at Arthur's touch, scrambling wildly to get away from the hand that burns like fire on the skin of his torso. He starts hyperventilating, barely unable to take in any air. His breathing has trebled in speed and tiny pearls of sweat have appeared on his forehead in not time. His hands are shaking and his body is visibly trembling. He sinks on his knees barely able to take in anything around him. It is as if his body seems to have a life of its own. Not even his gold can help him when he is like this.

Arthur is truly shocked at what he sees. After that second of ….. whatever it was …. Merlin's face is contorted by horror and an expression that seems to resemble extreme loathing very closely. He stares at his hand and wonders how a single touch can have such a disastrous effect. Merlin must really hate him, be disgusted that someone like him would come that close.

The rejection hurts when it should not. There is no reason why he should feel so gutted. Nothing happened at all. The stupid guy who damaged his Porsche is reacting like an eejit in a completely harmless situation.

Merlin is trying hard to get control over his body and slowly, slowly he manages, just by breathing deeply, just like he has been taught. After a couple of minutes he can feel the benefit of it. His mind is starting to calm and his blurry vision clears enough for him to make out where he is. His gaze hits Arthur and he realizes that the blonde has seen something that nobody else has witnessed apart from Lance who has been working with him on this for the best of the last seven years. It is thanks to him that he can lead a relatively normal life.

He does not really want to check, because he fears what he is going to see, nevertheless he is still drawn to search Arthur's face. There is confusion there and repugnance.

Merlin does not blame him for his reaction. There is no way he can possibly understand what is going on. There is no doubt Arthur must think that he is a total tosser and a ginormous weirdo. Well, there is nothing new there – it is the story of his life.

Then Merlin gets up, forcing himself to appear composed and normal. "Thanks." he mutters. "I could have really hurt myself if you had not caught me."

Arthur just stares, then simply replies. "Okay." There is no way he is going to admit to anyone, not even himself, how much he liked the idea of Merlin in his arms and how much Merlin's awful reaction to it has affected him. It is time to leave anyway.

"I have to go." He says curtly and takes a sharp exit, partly to hide the erection that has welled up in his tight jeans and partly because he has absolutely no coping mechanism for what he has just experienced.

"I'll see you later." Merlin's words come out hoarse and sound small and hurt.

His eyes follow Arthur who mumbles something like "Need to get changed for my next meeting" and he takes a deep breath when the door closes.

Well, that sorts things out. This has ended before it has even begun. Not that there was ever a chance of anything beginning anyway. And what is 'this' anyway? There is no 'this'.

Whatever. But better now than later. This way the hurt is kept to a bare minimum.

Merlin is so sick of all this and a sudden outburst of anger is surging up inside him.

"Fuck!" he shouts at the walls of his office and he hits the sofa with a tightened fist. Just as well this is an old building and that the walls are thick. His hands are still trembling a little, but the sweat on his brow is slowly disappearing.

"Deal with it, you bumbling idiot." He insults himself while a tear is making its way down the scruffy cheek. He does not deserve any better and he should know. Why the fuck is he so upset?

And on top of everything Arthur has not even mentioned the lawyer's meeting.

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I do hope I have left you wondering what is wrong with Merlin. A little bit at least... Although it is not such a big secret...


	5. Merlin's Bane

**I do not own Merlin.**

Now quite a few of you have wondered what has been going on with Merlin - this is the answer. We are going to find out about the one thing that makes Merlin's life totally miserable.

**WARNING: **This chapter contains graphic descriptions of violence at the beginning which are all in _italics_. So if you prefer to skip these go straight to the part after that.

You should be okay with the story-line, although you will understand better what Merlin is going through if you read it.

Thank you so much to all of you who have decided to follow this story and to those who have left reviews behind! It is really encouraging to get your support! :)

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_The blond haired woman leans over the little skinny boy and smiles at him. If he did not know better from experience he could pretend that her smile means what it seems – a gesture of kindness. But experience has taught him better. And by now he can spot the malicious glint in her eyes._

"_What have you done today, Merlin?' She says almost sweetly and puts her finger under his chin to lift his eyes to meet hers. He does not flinch and stares her out._

"_Ahh. Defiance.' She whispers and smiles rather pleased. "That is what I like to see."_

_She quietly opens the drawer of her desk to take out a thick leather belt._

"_It makes this so much more worthwhile."_

_She comes closer tenderly stroking the musky brown leather._

"_I hear you spilt ink all over your books in class, haven't you? Being your usual clumsy self." Her eyes narrow and her lips tighten as she steps into his personal space._

_Merlin's heart beats so fast that he is sure she must hear the drumming of it. He knows what is coming next. Is prepared for it mentally, but unsure whether his body can take any more._

_He bites his lips when she motions him to lift his shirt. The pattern on his chest and his back left by a sharp letter opener only a week earlier has still not healed over properly and is covered by crusty scabs. The woman gently runs her finger over the half healed wounds and Merlin winces when she puts more and more pressure on._

"_This must be still very sore." At that she rips one of the scars open with her pointy fingernail. A sob escapes Merlin's mouth. He cannot help it although he has learned by now that this only encourages her. She runs her fingers over the thick leather in her hand one more time._

"_How many do you deserve today?" She asks, not expecting an answer. "Bend over."_

_She says and pushes him onto the chair at the same moment. Her grip is tight and painful and it will leave marks that take a week and a half to fade completely._

_When the lashes come Merlin does his best not to give her the pleasure to see how much it hurts. He is young, but he is one of the brightest boys in this school and he also senses what makes people tick. His face is pressed into the wood of the chair, inhaling the air laced with her perfume. The smell chokes him and he is gasping for breath. He tries to take his mind of the hard leather that cracks the scars of his previous injury open. Silent tears are running down his cheeks while blow upon blow land on his back. He is not even counting them because he needs all his will power to control the pain that consumes every fibre of his being. He wants this to stop, wants it to stop, wants it to stop. _

_His gold can sense the satisfaction his tormentor is getting out of this, but there is nothing at all he can do to defend himself. He winces as the blond woman works herself into a frenzy._

Merlin wakes with a scream. The first thing he notices are the red digits on his alarm clock. It is 6.27 a.m. He is drenched in sweat and his blanket is pulled tightly around his body. He is hugging his chest and shaking all over.

"Shit." He mumbles as reality takes hold of him. "Shit" he cries again, when he notices that his face is awash with tears. He lies in bed trying to calm his breathing just like he did yesterday during Arthur's session. He wills his brain to think of something relaxing , and for some reason Arthur pops into his head. Merlin hates his brain – thinking about Arthur does not have the desired effect at all. Quite the opposite. His insides clench at the thought what happened the day before. He pushes the thought aside to come up with his memory of last Christmas at home.

His mum was so pleased to be able to spoil him then. And he enjoyed every minute of it. They had turkey and crackers and sang Christmas songs. They even watched 'The Sound of Music' on DVD. He is not at all embarrassed to call it one of his most favourite movies.

Hunith does not ask him anymore how he is. Accepts his way of coping. It took her years to shed some of the guilt she felt for not noticing. Although it was really Merlin's fault. Because he was so bloody good at making excuses and hiding his bruises and scars. And he did not want to spoil her joy about his scholarship place at the prestigious primary boarding school. His mum always had to work so hard and such long hours that it seemed like a godsend.

"Merlin is by far the brightest kid here" The headmistress of the local primary was so proud. "The scholarship will give him a chance in life that only few with his background have."

Hunith was even prouder and so relieved. This was something which would set up Merlin well for later life, and he would have a good place to live and get fed regularly for the time he was there.

Merlin realizes with a sigh that he is back to the same topic again and that trying to divert his thoughts is not really working. His arms are cramped round his torso, embracing himself. His is the only touch he can bear on his chest and back. Well, he can just about tolerate his mum holding him, a little bit. Not too tight. But that is it.

He was diagnosed with haphephobia, not long after Gaius uncovered the criminal behaviour of the headmistress. The condition is usually caused by a severe trauma. Well, being physically abused in the worst way over two years definitely counts.

It was Gaius who found him cowering on the floor in an empty cupboard off the main corridor. Even then the old man was an experienced psychologist and it did not take a lot of guessing what was wrong once he saw the way Merlin got up from the floor. He could hardly stand that day.

Gaius did not only counsel him and provide his first therapy. He was also the one who gave him books about King Arthur to take his mind off things and get him involved in something different. They were his salvation. Reality was left way behind when he got sucked up into the adventures of chivalrous knights. He has loved the stories ever since. That is where his passion for the Arthurian legends originates. That is why he studied English literature.

The books and Lance made him human again. It took 'only' ten years. Lance was assigned as his therapist when he was at High School. He was not much older than himself and became a firm friend over the course of time. It was him who provided Merlin with coping mechanisms, but to this day he is still not cured. The fear is always there, and most likely always will be. It is like a big shadow waiting to swallow him up at any time. And it strikes unexpectedly. Just like now.

Lance stopped the therapy a year ago when he felt that Merlin was as good as he would get at this point in time and that he was fit to cope with daily life. Before, he was not able to take the underground, move between crowds or get clapped on the back because any casual touch sent him into a big black hole and it often took days if not weeks to come out of it again.

He still cannot bear to be touched on his chest and his back, particularly when he is naked. That is completely out of bounds. Sometimes he can just about stand it, when he wears some kind of protection on his body like a T-shirt. Not often though.

Yesterday Arthur touched his bare skin, exactly there, on the spot where he cannot tolerate it the most. He shudders at the memory and the agony he felt. He used to be like this all the time, suffer from it permanently. But for a good year there have been no more panic attacks or nausea when someone just lightly brushes past him. And he has not suffered from outbreaks of sweat or hyperventilating. Until now.

Merlin groans as he gets up, untangling himself from his sweat stained blanket. When he reaches the bathroom he stares at himself in the mirror. He can see all the white scraggy lines that criss-cross his chest and some rounder angrier looking scars near his breast bone. His back looks pretty similar. He has not looked for some time. These are the visual marks of his agony. The marks that cannot be seen though are by far the worse.

A loud knock at the front door rips him out of his depressive reflection.

"Merlin! Are you up?"

It is Gwen. He vaguely remembers that they agreed to go out for some croissants and coffee this morning. He is suddenly aware that he is intensly cold and realizes that he must have been staring into space, lost in thought, for more than an hour. It is worrying that he has no recollection whatsoever where all that time went.

"Just a sec!" Merlin's feels hoarse. It is an effort to tear the words from his throat.

He opens the door, still in his pants and it takes Gwen only one look to assess his state correctly. She remembers the signs well from the time when he was still affected by the curse, as he calls it, every day.

"Oh, Merlin!" She steps inside and what she really wants to do is hug him. Hug him so tight that it squeezes all the sorrow out of him. But she knows she can't do that.

So she takes his hands instead and holds them tight. They are in the green touching zone which means that holding Merlin there will not cause him to freak out.

She drags him over to the sofa, throws him a sweatshirt and some jogging pants because he looks absolutely frozen.

"Want a cuppa?" She whispers, unsure of what other comfort she can offer at this moment.

"Please." Merlin whispers and slumps on the sofa.

A few minutes later Gwen returns with tea and toast. Merlin does not think he can eat at first, but the smell of food does tickle his taste buds and he is surprised that he wolves down two pieces of wholemeal bread with strawberry jam. They eat in silence.

"Anything I can do?" Gwen asks eventually and looks at him with so much sympathy Merlin can feel his eyes getting wet again. Her friendship means so much and he truly appreciates having a friend like her. He just shrugs his shoulders still riding out the shock waves caused by the unexpected attack.

"Sit here." Gwen motions him to move to the floor. She places herself behind him.

"I am going to touch your hair, okay?" She warns and when Merlin nods gingerly she tenderly strokes an errand lock out of his face. His head is also in the green zone and she knows that this should be okay but wants to give him a chance to refuse her touch.

She gently runs her hand through is hair, massaging his scalp and the muscles on his neck. She kneads and pulls and rubs his hair and skull and slowly Merlin relaxes.

It would be great if he could use his gift on himself. He has tried it before but it does not work. Which is rather ironic from his point of view. Because he can help and heal with his touch but cannot bear to be touched himself. His gold is always there for the benefit of others, but it leaves him helpless in his fight against the one thing that makes his life a misery. How unfair is life? To grant him such a special give but leave him high and dry?

For the moment though Gwen's massage is helping and Merlin is grateful.

"Have you called Lance?" She asks and Merlin mumbles a weak "Not yet."

It feels like going backwards.

"'I'll call him. He was going to come round later anyway." Gwen says calmly and moves into the kitchen to make the phone call. It was Merlin who introduced Lance to her and it was love at first sight. Merlin is sure that there has never been a couple more predestined for each other. They are both kind, caring and if they were to be described in the language of Medieval English he would call them 'noble'.

He knows that he can trust either implicitly. It was unavoidable for Gwen to find out about his 'debility' once she was an item with Lance. He did not mind, no, in fact it was a bonus because there is no one more understanding and supportive than Gwen.

He often looks at the two of them, pleased that he was the person to bring them together, but, at the same time, he cannot help being envious because he knows that he will never have that.

A real relationship. Who would put up living with him being like _that_? He has tried once. His name was Edwin. He was head over heels with him and they were happy for quite a while. He should probably thank the Gods that his phobia does not extend to his cock.

The problem was that Edwin thought that Merlin would get better, that one day soon he would be able to touch him everywhere. Merlin knew that Edwin was desperate to run his fingers down his body, put his lips on his collar bones and trail kisses down his chest. But that never happened. And then it started to become a problem, until the phobia finally won.

Merlin, of course, understood when Edwin left for a good looking bloke that was completely normal. It is only natural that you want to feel the skin of the person you love against yours and want to return what is given to you.

Merlin can pleasure with his own touch, but when it comes to accept tenderness on his upper body, he completely freaks out. Just the idea of someone running a hand over his skin there makes him shiver. Although deep down he keeps the intensely human desire to be held and to be cherished. How often has he wondered what it must be like – just to revel in the touch of another human being. Someone you love.

It seems a bit of a joke that he is so helpless when it comes to sorting out his own problems, considering he is so adept at sensing and interpreting other people's emotions.

There is another knock at the door and Lance is next to Merlin in seconds.

"What has happened, mate?" He looks at Merlin with his sensitive, understanding eyes.

"Nightmare." Merlin sums it up in one word.

"Same as before?" Lance enquires to give him an idea where to start. "Remembering?"

Merlin nods and looks away, he is so embarrassed about this. It is hard to accept. Why has this happened now?

Even without watching them he senses that Gwen and Lance exchange a look.

"Any idea what caused it?" Lance gets on with trying to put things back to 'normal'.

Merlin shakes his head still dopey. He has done nothing extraordinary the last few days. Life has been as normal as it gets. He has been to Camelot doing his research, he worked at the agency doing his counselling… And that is when it hits him. The only thing that felt very different in the last few days was …. Arthur. But what would he have to do with this?

Merlin shares his thoughts and recounts the incident at the agency.

"Well, it sounds like that that could have been the trigger" Lance admits. "What about Arthur? How did he react when you had the attack?"

"He was shocked and disgusted and he left." Merlin murmurs, and tries to subdue the sharp sting of disappointment at the memory.

Lance bites his lips. They will have to discuss this later. At this very moment, though, Merlin needs to be pulled back into the land of reality.

"Okay." Lance sits up. "I think you should have a shower and we'll take it from there."

He knows that simple, every-day tasks will help with getting a grip on a difficult situation.

Merlin manages a half smile. Having Gwen and Lance here has meant the world. He wants to conquer this. His insides are aching to be normal and to be able to feel and enjoy it. He would do anything for just that.

But for now he is going to get cleaned up and do as Lance asks. He needs to get himself to a state where he can feign normality again. And tomorrow he has to be mentally fit to accompany Arthur and Vivien on their riding trip.

* * *

As you can see, Merlin has a huge burden to carry. I really hope that I have dealt with these difficult matters in a sensitive way. But there are lots of issues to be resolved...

Off to the afternoon with Arthur in the next chapter, though! :)

As I will be away all next week I will only be able to post next Saturday again!


	6. Awakening

**I do not own Merlin.**

Thanks to all of you for waiting the extra day!

Hope you like this week's instalment!

* * *

Merlin's mobile pings while he is having a take-away pizza with Lance and Gwen at his place. They have taken him out to the movies and he is starting to feel a little bit more human again.

The text is short and sweet. Well, more short than sweet, but, after their last meeting Merlin does not expect anything else.

_Pendragon Inc, main entrance, Sat 11 am sharp._ It says on his mobile.

What a prat. Merlin is dreading this because he does not know what it will do to him. He still feels a bit fragile in body and mind after the attack. It has shaken him more than it should have. And he has noticed, although a bit reluctantly, that he is not exactly emotionally stable when he is around Arthur. The whole situation is asking for trouble.

But he will grit his teeth and get through this. Gwen filled Lance in about the whole Pendragon thing which is a relief because Merlin would not have known how to explain what is going on inside him.

Lance thinks that it is possible that Merlin's budding feelings for Arthur have violently collided with his belief that a normal physical relationship is not within his reach. And that this has triggered the attack. It is his subconscious trying to remind him of his weakness, telling him of his shortcomings. Great! As if he needs to be reminded of that!

Lance advises him to be careful where he invests his feelings and not get involved in anything that is bound to make him feel worse. So Merlin has decided to let his safety shutters down and he is full of the best intentions to keep them that way.

The next day, Arthur is bang on time, the light blue Porsche coming to a screeching halt right next to Merlin outside the main entrance of Pendragon Inc. at 10.59 Western European time.

"Wow. You are not even late." Arthur takes an immediate dig at Merlin. He feels incredibly awkward, particularly when he thinks of the way he left when they last met, and is basically not sure what to say. This is the first thing that comes to his mind. Merlin gets in without a word and notices that Arthur is throwing him a castaway look.

"I am surprised you came." Again, Arthur feels the need just to say something and he damns that he is unable to come up with a better line of conversation.

"Not much choice there, golden boy…." Merlin grumbles, remembering his conversation with Gaius. In which he was basically told to do ANYTHING to get Arthur and Vivien together again. Going out on a date with an estranged couple easily runs under 'anything'. To say that he is apprehensive of this afternoon is the understatement of the year.

Arthur tries a grin, but it ends up half baked. He knows fine that there is only one solid reason why Merlin has turned up. "No need to hide that you only do this because you are under pressure from my father to succeed." He swallows and adds rather quietly. "Welcome to my life."

He knows he is off to a blundering start, but he simply does not know how to play this. After their last meeting he left the agency with a plethora of emotions running wild amok inside him - confusion and shock overriding most other ones.

When his head cleared a little bit he did attempt to sort out the tangled mess inside him. He was confused, not only by Merlin's cool, distant behaviour at the beginning which starkly contradicted the heat in his eyes later on, but even more so by what happened when he held him in his arms for that second. He has been playing it all over in his mind again and again and again. When he felt Merlin's warm breath on his face and smelt his skin so close to his own, when he felt Merlin's heart beating, while his hand was resting on the dark chest hair something inside him short circuited.

And his cock reacted to all that as if he was still a blooming teenager. At his age. He was rock solid when he left the agency. It was so bad he had to stop in the staircase of the building to get himself under control with some breathing exercises. Willed himself to let it go. This is what he is good at after all. Controlling himself. Following the rules.

He does not really understand what is going on here exactly. He is pretty sure he is hetero. Surely having multiple girl-friends and being married are a clear indication of that? He has enjoyed female company for all of his life and loves the sex that comes with it.

But he cannot deny what his body is telling him. That he is attracted to the dark haired man that is sitting next to him with a face as long as a dark winter's day. Otherwise he would not still feel gutted when he recalls Merlin's reaction to his touch. It was terrifying. And odd. And he is not used to being rejected.

Yet, it has not stopped his pulse to quicken when he glances at Merlin's full lips and the curve of his cheekbones. He knows it is mad and defies everything he thinks he is, but it is there. Arthur decides not to overthink this and just play it by ear. It is all he can do because he has no bloody clue how he should act.

They are racing down the motorway at a speed that is just asking for a ticket.

"God, do you have to show off like that?" Merlin mumbles, feeling slightly bitter at the fact that Arthur's Porsche has already been meticulously repaired while Aithusa is still ailing from the aftermath of the accident.

"Jealous?" Arthur is not put off by his attitude at all. He just sits there as happy as a child in a candy shop.

"At you? At your car?" Merlin laughs out loud. "You must be joking. I'd rather be poor and struggling than an overbearing prat like you."

Arthur flinches a little at the quip. Maybe it is not meant the way it sounds, but for some reason it does sting a little.

"You are supposed to be supportive of me and my problems, not slag me totally off." Arthur retorts. "Did you get up on the wrong foot today?"

Merlin cannot possibly answer this, after what he went through the last 24 hours.

So he just shrugs his shoulders. "I would like to remind you AGAIN that this whole business of accompanying you and your wife is not really in my remit." He does his best to put a stamp of authority on to the comment. He needs to, so he can keep his emotions under check.

"Of course it is." Arthur contradicts. "Knowing your customer on a more personal level must help you to understand their psyche better!"

Merlin sighs. This is not untrue, but being in such a contained space with Arthur is already getting to him. He can smell his aftershave and has spotted a little cut at the side of his jaw caused by an errand shaver. His fingers are twitching to stroke over it gently and let some gold flow into it in order to soothe the wound.

To get his mind off this irritating subject he turns his head to concentrate on watching the world go by on the outside. They are heading east towards the M40, but soon turn off the motorway into the mellow countryside. Finally they arrive at a massive gate towered by a huge sign: 'Pendragon Manor'

Merlin lips twitch – can it possibly get any more pretentious than this?

Arthur notices his reaction when he turns into the estate. "For Goodness sake Merlin, most estates in the south of England have some kind of name at their entrance doors!"

"Yeah. Right. Nothing to do with being a pompous git then, I assume." Merlin mutters loud enough to be heard. He does feel a tad guilty about his grumpy remark. At the end of the day it is not Arthur's fault he was born into this establishment and that his name sits up there in giant letters. But he works hard on keeping those shutters down and taking the mickey out of Arthur does help.

When he sees the house, well, it hardly is that, it is actually more like a palace, he holds his breath for a moment. And he wonders what it must feel like to be brought up under such privileged circumstances. To have everything all the time. To know that the world is at your feet right from the beginning.

He looks down at his scruffy jeans and is suddenly painfully aware of his old brown jacket. Arthur and him, they really are from two completely different planets. Totally. Utterly. He curses those tiny bubbles of want inside him when he just looks at the blonde next to him. Follows that jaw line. Gets caught in the blue of his eyes.

This is wrong. So very wrong. For many reasons more than being totally incompatible on the social front.

And it is as sure as hell that it is not Arthur who is going to get hurt if anything ever happened between them. Not that there really would. But Lance is so right. He has to stay calm and distant and strong! The gold inside him, though, seems to have a completely different idea, wants to betray his intentions. It is pulling him towards Arthur, swirling in his direction, trying to connect with him.

He is relieved when Arthur interrupts his unhealthy train of thought when he parks the car on the gravel at the front of the mansion and declares the blatantly obvious: that they are there.

When they get out of the car, there is a stir at the gate and an old man walks towards them with a huge smile plastered on his face.

"Welcome home, Master Arthur. It is really nice to see you here again."

"Thank you, George." Arthur claps the old man on his shoulder and Merlin is really surprised to detect some genuine like between the two.

George smiles at Arthur. "Lady Pendragon is not here yet, sir"

"That is alright. We will go the stables and wait for her there." Arthur gives the butler a huge smile and then grabs Merlin's arm to tag him into the right direction.

"Servants?" Merlin's voice is saturated with sarcasm. "Not pompous, are we?"

"Well, what do you expect? A place like this needs people to look after it!" Arthur defends himself quite matter of fact. He has always loved George who used to sneak him treats when he was young boy and cuddle him when he was crying. He is one of the few people who kept him sane in this world of emptiness he was brought up in.

Morgana, his half sister, is the other person that grounded him, made him laugh and kept him from total despair. But she has escaped to America now and he does not hear from her very often. Which means that she is happy. She is the one that got away. While he is still exactly in the same spot as ever. Apart from this latest development. Apart from Merlin. All this feels very different from normal.

He looks at the man next to him and an unexpected wave of desire washes over him. He bites his lip. There is no way he would dare to act upon it, not after what happened at their last meeting.

They are walking towards the stables with Arthur's hand still on Merlin's arm who is painfully aware of it. He can sense through the touch that Arthur is looking forward to this, but unfortunately it also sends hot flushes through his body that completely interfere with his rational thinking. When they get there Merlin is grateful that Arthur needs both hands to open the gates and therefore has to release him.

"Have you ever been on a horse before?" He asks Merlin.

Merlin chuckles for the first time. It is like asking an alien if it has ever been on a bicycle. "Sorry mate. There were no fancy riding stables where I was brought up."

"And where is that?" Merlin raises his brows in surprise at the personal question, but answers anyway.

"Ealdor. Tiny place of 200 people, about 45 minutes north of Cardiff."

"Not famous for its nightlife, then?" Arthur teases.

"Depends what nightlife you are looking for." Merlin retorts quickly and Arthur laughs out loud.

"I take your word for it that there is more going on in Ealdor than meets the eye."

The remark is harmless and funny, but after last night it hits an unpleasant truth. Merlin pales a bit and catches his breath. At the same time he is embarrassed by his reaction because he knows that Arthur meant nothing by his words.

"So, you were brought up here?" He asks to skim over his uneasiness.

"Yes, my parents lived here before I was born, and then, after my mum died, father wanted to remain here until I was old enough to go to boarding school. I assume he felt closer to her like that."

There is sadness in Arthur's voice. But it is obvious that he loves this place, even if _he_ was not loved as much as he should have been.

Just before they are about to enter the stables, Arthur's mobile pings. He reads the message and grins.

"Vivien will not be joining us today. Her manicure is taking longer than expected and she cannot risk her brand new nail varnish being destroyed by a ride." Typical.

So that leaves the two of them. Merlin starts biting the inside of his cheek nervously. This is exactly the type of situation he is supposed to avoid.

"Shall we head back, then?" He utters as there is clearly no point in him staying any longer. But Arthur has already disappeared in the stable and does not hear him. So what else can Merlin do but follow him.

There are six horses and Arthur introduces them to Merlin one by one. They are all beautiful creatures and even Merlin who has not the tiniest of ideas about horsemanship can see that they are well groomed and kept.

Arthur knows the animals intimately and explains all their little habits and differences. His eyes are alight and he speaks passionately as he strokes each horse with affection. And they all respond in kind, whinnying pleasantly or nibbling on his jacket.

It is clear that this is a place where Arthur can be happy and is able to relax. It shocks Merlin that he senses the emotion so strongly even though he is not even touching the man next to him. And he certainly has no intention to either. No, he really does not want to. He is not even thinking about it. Or scrutinizing Arthur's hands when he rubs the horses' soft noses tenderly.

"And this…"Arthur is approaching the last box in the stable now. "….is my absolute favourite. Prince."

"You're serious?" Merlin grins.

"About what?" Arthur is oblivious.

"Prince?" Merlin wrinkles his brow and he chuckles raising an eyebrow.

"Ah, get off it, Merlin!" Arthur sees where Merlin is coming from now and smiles, momentarily distracted by the sound of his bubbly laughter and the dimples it produces. "He deserves that name. Just look at him. He is bloody gorgeous."

Merlin shivers when Arthurs says it, loves how the word 'gorgeous' sounds in his posh accent. But no, he is not going to elaborate on that.

Of course Arthur is right. The horse is a total beauty. A black stallion. All power and muscle. But he does not seem to be very settled. He is dancing around in his box and is shaking his head in an irritable, jittery manner.

"Anything wrong with him?" Merlin asks and gently takes the reins to pull Prince's head closer. The horse resists at first, but then gives in to the insistent force of Merlin's hand.

"Are you telling me you are a horse whisperer, too?" Arthur is amused, but taken aback at the same time that Merlin who is completely ignorant about horses would spot that something was amiss. It is true that Prince has been unsettled for the last week and they have not found any reason for it so far. "He has been rather fidgety and excitable the last few days."

Merlin strokes the long neck of the animal and then rests his hand, fingers stretched out wide, on Prince's forehead right between the eyes. Merlin just stands there and closes his eyes as if he is listening. His gold is taking over and reaches out to Prince. Merlin follows its flow and connects with the animal.

Suddenly Prince is visibly calmer. Arthur blinks in amazement as he watches how the horse stops dancing around and relaxes under Merlin's touch. He stares at Merlin's long fingers and at the long eyelashes that are even more noticeable against the paleness of his cheeks.

It hits Arthur that he wishes that it was him there, revelling in Merlin's touch. Arthur feels stupid and embarrassed at the thought. How can he possibly be envious of a horse? This whole thing is seriously messing with his head.

Just then Merlin bends down and runs his hand over the front right leg of Prince. There is a tiny jerk when he touches the inside calf.

"Feel that!" He looks up at Arthur and although he is not aware of it, his eyelashes flutter, and so does Arthur's heart.

He cowers next to Merlin and checks the hidden spot Merlin has pointed out. He can immediately feel something lodged under the skin. On closer examination he finds a long thin, needle shaped thorn. It is no wonder the horse has been uneasy. This must have caused him a lot of pain. Arthur manages to find some tiny pliers and then gets the damn thing out while Merlin holds Prince still. Things like that are not easy to figure out and he is really relieved that Merlin has spotted it.

"How the heck did you do that?" He asks dumbfounded. "That was bloody amazing!"

Merlin face lightens up like the Christmas decorations at Selfridges when he smiles. He looks so genuinely pleased and looks downright huggable in his boyish enthusiasm. Arthur just swallows at the sight him. He sighs inwardly when he realizes that his jeans are suddenly very tight.

"I am really pleased I could help." Merlin grins, but that is all he is going to give away just now. Gaius has warned him many times that sharing the truth about his gift is not a very sensible idea. People get scared at things like that and react adversely to it.

"You could earn a fortune doing this." Arthur is still kind of awed.

Merlin just grins at him. He cannot help feeling a tiny bit smug. And happy, because of Arthur's obvious appreciation.

"Hey!" He exclaims rather softly and delighted when Prince starts nuzzling his elbow. He claps the stallion affectionately first and then lifts his hand to stroke him gently.

Arthur watches him from the corner of his eye while he is putting the pliers away. There is definitely something about Merlin. Prince never takes to strangers like that. Something warm starts wrapping itself around his heart.

"He likes you." Arthur says it quietly and his voice sounds raw and hoarse giving away what he really means.

Merlin feels the vibes in the words and looks up, unsure what to make of this. What he finds is Arthur right next to him grabbing the other side of Prince's reins. Although all alarm bells are sounding and Lance's warnings are ringing in his ears, he is helpless once his gaze gets caught in Arthur's widened blue eyes.

Just then Arthur edges a tiny bit further towards Merlin, just enough to step into his personal space. He is now so close that Merlin can feel the heat radiating off his body. Right there and then Merlin wants nothing more than to give in to the gold that is edging him towards the man beside him.

Suddenly the atmosphere is so thick you could cut it with a knife. The tension between them is tangible and Merlin holds his breath while all his sensible intentions crumble into tiny specks of dust. Reeling with anticipation and hope he finds himself holding his breath while his pulse is quickening. And then he blushes.

Arthur takes it in and his brain stops working the instant his body takes over. Almost instinctively he puts his hand on Merlin's wrist pulling him a little closer.

"Merlin!" Arthur whispers it, full of uncertain surprise, as if he had unexpectedly discovered something really precious. There is need in Arthur's voice and heat in his touch.

And at that Merlin starts falling apart. This cannot be real. It can't be. Why would Arthur ….?

"Ah, hello. There you are!" A deep voice bursts the bubble of longing that has been building steadily around them.

Arthur noticeably stiffens and his hand drops off Merlin as if he is poisonous.

"Hello, father." He greets the man who is slowly approaching them. "I did not know that you were planning to come out here today?"

And at that he takes a big step away from Merlin and goes to greet his father.

* * *

Well, both our boys are pretty much confused at this stage...

I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas! Please free to let me know! It is well appreciated :)


	7. Uncertainty

**I do not own Merlin.**

Thanks for all your encouraging comments and all those who have joined to follow this story!

* * *

Uther enters the stables and walks towards them.

Arthur recovers first – after all he has had a lifetime of practice to pull himself together in record time so he can meet his father's critical gaze.

Merlin takes a moment longer to adjust. There can be no mistake in what he experienced only a few moments earlier. Even if Arthur dropped his hand like a hot potato when Uther arrived. That was kind of an obvious reaction.

He is certain that he was not mistaken. Arthur's voice and the intensity in his eyes were pretty telling even before he put his hand on his wrist. But the touch gave his feelings away clearly. A wave of wanton washed over Merlin the same instant. The memory of it is tearing him apart and makes his heart beating like there is no tomorrow. And it throws all the 'good' intentions of keeping his shutters down in the wind.

"So who is your friend?" Uther asks Arthur in a demanding tone.

"This is Merlin Emrys." Arthur introduces the two men. "My father, Uther Pendragon." As if Merlin did not know.

Uther comes closer and shakes Merlin's hand. "Ah. The miracle counsellor." Uther replies. "Gaius has spoken of you very highly."

"Thank you." Is all Merlin can utter while he bears up to Uther's scrutinizing look.

"So, what has you brought here today?" Uther asks quite innocently, but, after what happened a few moments ago, Merlin feels immediately guilty. Fleetingly he wonders whether Uther has noticed more than he lets on. Not that there was a lot he could have seen, but it might have been revealing if he had looked on the right way.

When Arthur shortly explains the reason for Merlin's presence, Uther measures Merlin with approval.

"A man who clearly takes his work very seriously." Uther smiles appreciatively. "I like that."

"At Rapport we do all we can to reconcile couples." Merlin smiles weakly, knowing full well he sounds like a cheap TV advert. But he is pleased that he manages to say something at least.

"So I assume you are getting somewhere with my son?" Uther enquires and the question almost causes Merlin to splutter out loudly.

Arthur's cheeks start colouring, and it is just as well that he is standing slightly behind his father who thus does not notice his embarrassment. Merlin blushes yet again and he curses this damning habit he has no control over whatsoever.

"I do whatever I can." Merlin utters, suppressing a grin unsuccessfully while enjoying the ambiguity of the remark. He looks past Uther, when he says it, straight into Arthur's eyes that darken at the gaze and widen in recognition.

"Very good. I am sure we will see a favourable result of your work soon then?"

"I am sure we will find the best solution for Arthur." Merlin adds, deliberately giving an open answer.

At that, he is clearly dismissed by Uther, as the man turns round to address Arthur.

"I have looked into the situation at Stratton."

Merlin notices how Arthur tenses and his brows furrow.

"I cannot see how we can keep the factory open there. It is running on a loss." Uther states.

Arthur takes a deep breath and there is contained anger in his voice when he answers. "There are 400 jobs at stake there, father. People depend on the employment in the plant and there is nothing else in the area that can sustain a small community like that."

"That is sad, but the factory is not profitable and at Pendragon Inc we do not live with failure." Is Uther's cold assessment. "Make preparations for its closure tomorrow." He orders, completely ignoring Arthur's opinion and the fact that it is Sunday the next day.

"You cannot do this, father. It will ruin the lives of all those people who have come to rely on us as trusted employers."

Uther gives Arthur a long calculated look. "All those years, Arthur, you have been in this business and you are still too soft." It sounds condescending and degrading, like a master telling off an incompetent servant.

Arthur is struggling now to keep his temper, but he is not letting it go.

"But what about the social impact on the whole area? I have worked out plans how we can save the factory. How it will start making money again."

But Uther just smirks at his son and shakes his head. "Too expensive." He judges without even considering Arthur's proposal.

"Have you got no conscience at all?" Arthur is more than annoyed now. But his words are a direct attack on Uther's authority and _that_ the man will never stand for.

"Fuck the social impact." Uther spits outs dismissively. "It is time you learn how to run a company properly and prove you have a business mind. We are not the bloody welfare. Seems you are not taking your position very seriously." Then he turns round and marches towards the gates.

"Close the damn factory." Are his final words before he leaves. And "I'll be up at the house overnight."

Arthur lets out a deep breath when he is gone. His jaws are clenched and Merlin can see that he is reeling with suppressed anger. Uther treated his son like a minor, telling him off as if he was a little boy, rather than a major player at his company. His condescending behaviour was not only hurtful and cold, but also completely uncalled for in the presence of someone else.

Merlin senses how Arthur is struggling to come to terms with the humiliation. The blonde's eyes are downcast, unwilling to show openly how much what has happened hurts. And even worse, in front of Merlin. Who must think that he is a total loser.

Sympathy wells up inside Merlin and he cannot bear to see Arthur so upset. And to be thwarted in his attempts to do something morally right.

"Come here." He motions Arthur to sit on a half full sack of oats.

Arthur is too numb to even think of objecting and just does as he is asked. He sits down without protest while Merlin kneels behind him and puts his hand on his shoulders.

All he wants to do is help. Rid Arthur from the distress he is under or at least alleviate it. Help him to relax and lessen his burden. The connection is immediate.

And so is the effect. A sigh of relief escapes Arthur's mouth when the warmth of Merlin's gold starts spreading through his body. God, this is like bliss. Arthur closes his eyes and relaxes, leaning a little bit more into Merlin who is very aware of how close Arthur's body is to his own. Liking it on the one hand, but making sure on the other hand that there is a safe distant to his chest. He will make bloody sure that he has not another attack in front of Arthur.

Arthur sighs again and then, when he thinks of Uther, he suddenly feels the urge to talk. And it pours all out of him.

Yes, he has always had everything, was well looked after in terms of material things. But he has a father who always quietly blamed him for the death of his mother who died at childbirth. And made him feel guilty about it even without ever directly mentioning it. A father who has never shown his affection in more than a handshake or a clap on the shoulder. Who has never complimented him. Apart from the time when he finished High School with ten As and won the School Football League with his team in the same month.

Uther always pushed him to run faster, jump higher, get better grades than anyone else. And demanded that he behaved like a man even when he was just a little boy. Uther made sure right from day one that Arthur knew that duty always comes first and that his own happiness should be the last thing on his mind. Uther was never content with anything he did. However hard Arthur tried.

Still, Uther is the only direct family he has got. He is his father. Not being accepted by him for who he is pains him more and more the older he gets. Because he realizes now that it will most likely never happen. That he will never be good enough. However often he has set aside his own wishes, brushed his feelings under the carpet and just did what he was expected.

Arthur's anguish lies raw in the open and when he finally stops talking his head sinks to his chest in emotional exhaustion. Merlin keeps channelling his gold and slowly rubs his shoulders with his thumbs at the same time. Arthur is trembling under his touch but he is slowly relaxing and the whole situation seems to mellow until …

…..suddenly Arthur jerks up and staggers away from Merlin's hands. A look of surprised shock on his face. A thought has just struck him like lightening.

This…. has all been too much. Far too much for him to process. He has never ever told anyone as much as this. Has never completely bared his soul right to the very bottom of it. It was pretty close to the bone first time, but this ….?

And although his heart does feel a shade lighter for it, there is the sense that his privacy has been infringed.

"Shit." He pushes out in bewilderment. "You should come with a bloody health warning."

The flash realization that there must be something intensely wrong with Merlin's relaxation technique is crushing him. It is not like him to share with anyone what hurts him most. This is not how he would normally act. And those …how can he put it ….._feelings_ for Merlin. That is just weird. He likes women, not men. Never even thought about blokes before, _that_ way.

Everything seems suddenly crystal clear. There must be something else going on here.

"You are fucking with my head, aren't you?" He accuses Merlin and throws him an angry look.

Merlin stares back at him, completely horrified.

"I only wanted to help." He whispers unable to believe his ears, his guts knotting at an alarming rate.

"Help me or yourself?" Arthur snaps. "You make me do things I would never usually do. And whatever that….. thing was between us. It is not real. Can't be. _You_ are twisting my brain to make me believe these feelings are there. But this is NOT who I am!"

Arthur is pushing out the words hurriedly and defensively and Merlin just gapes at him in total disbelief while his heart shatters in tiny pieces. Arthur thinks that he is abusing his gold. For one, to rip his deepest secrets from his heart and then, even worse, to conjure up an attraction between them. And now he is seriously pissed off because he assumes he has been taken for a ride.

Gaius warned him that people might get scared when they are faced with their own innermost feelings. Because they do not want to see what is inside them and then take their fear out on the person who has brought it to the surface. But surely Arthur must know that he wants nothing but to help? He must sense that there is a genuine connection between them?

Arthur is on his feet and eyes Merlin with suspicion.

"You do not seem to have a lot to say to defend yourself, Merlin." He sounds gutted and annoyed at the same time. He cannot believe that he was taken in so easily. Lead astray by the power in Merlin's hands.

Merlin just shakes his head. There is no point explaining anything at this moment in time. He is pretty sure of that. Arthur will not listen because he is too angry.

"I need to get back." Arthur is turning around abruptly at Merlin's silence and heads for the door.

Merlin scrambles after him. There is really not much choice because it is Saturday afternoon and there is no public transport in the vicinity. It would take hours to get back to London.

There is stony silence carried by hostile vibes in the car as they zoom along the motorway towards London.

Arthur pretends to concentrate on the driving. His jaws are clenched and his lips thin. All he wants is to get Merlin out of his car as soon as possible because his presence causes severe aches around his heart area. And he suddenly hates all those emotions that run through him at will.

Merlin sits there, still shell shocked how things have turned out. Arthur's distrust and accusations cut through him like a sword. Brought home to him what a disaster he is. Considering his gold is the better part of his touch sensitivity! He shakes his head quietly. That moment in the stables they had been so close, so close to …..

Merlin bites his lips while his eyes are turning moist. There is no denying that he has fallen for Arthur. Fallen for him really hard. The kind of ship - line and sinker hard.

Arthur's negative reaction to his gold has pulled the rug out under his feet and he realizes that he is very close to falling off the edge of that cliff he has been wandering on.

It is when they reach the outskirts of London that Merlin decides that nothing he says can do any more damage than has already been done. And he makes the conscious decision to leave all common sense behind and just act by gut feeling. He will just go for it. And Arthur can take it or leave it. He simply has to take that risk.

"I was born with my gift." He starts quietly and although Arthur does not in any way acknowledge it, Merlin knows he is listening.

"It is empathy on the highest level. Gaius says that he has never seen anything like it. I dip into the energy around us, channel it and use it to relax people and enable them to come to terms with their fears and problems and to think through issues they cannot deal with themselves."

Arthur has still not bat an eyelid, his eyes firmly on the road.

"I use my gift to help." Merlin adds.

"And manipulate." Arthur retorts harshly, thus at least acknowledging loudly that he has been listening.

"I cannot make you do or feel something that is not in your heart, Arthur." Merlin says, his voice barely audible above the noise of the engine.

"I cannot put something there that is completely alien to you."

"Right." Sarcasm is ringing in Arthur's voice.

Then silence descends again.

Arthur's mind is on overload. He has heard the sincerity in Merlin's voice, but feels unable to act upon it. Never, in his whole life, has he had more intense feelings than in this last week. It is not something he can identify with, something he has no experience with whatsoever. He is embarrassed to admit that he was scared earlier on. Scared because he let someone in. Scared because he does not understand how that happened and what to do about it now. Scared because he wants that man next to him more than anyone in his life ever before.

He swallows hard and takes a deep breath. It is best to let all this go and get on with his normal life. Nothing has been 'normal' since he met Merlin. He is good at control. That is what he has been taught from day one.

Thank God they have arrived at Merlin's flat. He stops the car and waits.

Merlin knows that if he does not do something now he will most likely never see Arthur again. That he will disappear out of his radius and that he will never get the chance to get to know him at least. And he wants to know Arthur, wants him in his life. More than anything else.

And even though he is riddled with insecurity about his debility and he is wrecked with nervousness he decides to act. Now. 'Desperate times call for desperate measures.' His mum used to say. And that is his last coherent thought before he turns to Arthur, who is looking at him and waiting for him to get out of the car.

He bends slightly forward and cups Arthur's face between his hands. Then he pulls the blonde slightly towards him, closes his eyes and brushes his lips against his. It is a ghost of a kiss and completely chaste, and yet, Arthur shudders.

Merlin's hands are still on Arthur's face, but Arthur has not punched him or brushed him off which is more than he has hoped for. In fact the blonde has not moved at all. It is almost as if he is frozen in time and space. Merlin stares at his gorgeous face and then goes down to ravish his beautiful mouth in the most sensuous way. He starts sucking softly on Arthur's bottom lip while nipping the tender skin gently with his teeth. Arthur tastes achingly sweet and the smell of his skin fills Merlin's senses.

When Merlin flicks tiny little kisses all over those oh so tempting lips a quiet moan rips out of Arthur's mouth at the tender treatment. Oh God. That is just more than Merlin can bear. His cock has sprung to attention and is pushing hard against the fabric of his jeans.

Merlin has slipped his right hand behind Arthur's head and his fingers have started to rub the back of it. Arthur's head sinks backwards into the touch, his eyes closed and his lip starting to open up. He looks mind blowingly beautiful like that. Merlin senses the turmoil inside him, understands instinctively that while he yearns the touch of Merlin's lips, he is confused by what he is doing at the same time.

"It is alright." Merlin whispers while his thumbs stroke gently over the tightened cheeks.

Careful not to break this magic moment Merlin tentatively places tiny tantalizing licks all over Arthur's opening lips and then runs his tongue teasingly along the line of his mouth.

And then suddenly something snaps inside Arthur and he groans more audibly and at that he grabs Merlin's jacket and pulls him closer. He presses his lips on Merlin's and then there is nothing but want and heat and passion.

And Merlin's gold is rejoicing inside him and it curls and swirls all the way round their heads in elation. The sensation is intense and glorious and shattering and reduces all their being to feeling just THAT.

Merlin pours all his feeling into the kiss and revels in the intimate touch. Arthur tastes so good, so overwhelming delicious. And the blonde's kiss is as hungry as his own now, as if he is feasting on something that he has been denied for all his life.

When they finally need to part for air they both pause, still holding on to each other, vaguely acknowledging the rapid beating of their heart.

"Merlin." Arthur's voice is trembling and it sounds breathless and full of desire.

"God, Arthur." Merlin whispers and he swallows hard because this has by far exceeded anything he might have hoped for. Then he slowly draws away and Arthur is looking at him for the first time. The blue eyes are wide as if in shock and betray not only the desire that has exploded inside him, but also the uncertainty that riddles him. The uncertainty how what he feels right now fits in with his self-image. The uncertainty whether Merlin has in some way bewitched him.

Merlin moves forward again and runs his fingers tenderly through Arthur's hair.

"I swear I cannot make you feel something you do not want to, Arthur. But only you can decide….." And his voice is husky and tender. "Whether this is real or not." and at that he gets out of the car.

Just before he closes the car door he turns round and he feels the strong urge to say something nice. "I did have a good afternoon. Thanks."

* * *

And there is goes...Merlin putting his heart out there to be stamped on and Arthur in total confusion.

We'll find out next Friday what happens next. What would you like to happen?


	8. Enlightenment

**I do not own Merlin.**

Thoughts for this chapter: Life is tough. And even tougher if you are trying to get to the person you really care for.

Thanks for all your lovely comments, the follows and favourites! You are really encouraging! :)

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Arthur sits in the car and stares at Merlin disappearing through the door of his block of flats. For a second he is gasping for breath and unable to move. The kiss was mind blowing. It unleashed a storm of desire in him. With an intensity he has never experienced with anyone else.

Merlin has left him flushed and raw with emotion, not to mention the highly respectable erection straining uncomfortably against his tight jeans. He presses hard on it in an attempt to relieve the tension. This is getting ridiculous. It is happening virtually every time he sees Merlin. It takes him a few minutes to compose himself and to calm his racing pulse. And another few to steady his trembling hands.

There can be no doubt at all what he feels for Merlin. He is drawn to him, attracted like a fly to the sun, an insect to a light bulb. But how real are these feelings? Are they kindled by Merlin's power and simply an unwanted gift? A devastating side effect to his therapy?

His common sense is on red alert. He cannot allow himself to just follow his gut instinct. He needs to make sure this is not some kind of deception or a fluke of nature. And he knows that he needs answers and there is only one man that can give them to him.

Gaius has kindly agreed to see him on Sunday morning. It is really beyond the call of duty. But Arthur sounded urgent and desperate on the phone and he wonders what on earth he could possibly want.

"How can I help you, Arthur?" He says enquiringly after they have settled down on the comfy chairs in his living room.

Arthur hesitates, unsure how to start this. He does not want to be blunt, but subtlety will most likely not get him anywhere.

"This is about Merlin." He starts and takes a deep breath.

"Merlin?" Gaius raises his right eyebrow in surprise. "Are you not happy with his counselling?"

"It is not that, Gaius." Arthur swallows, talking the plunge. "He has told me about his …..gift."

"He has …what?" Gaius sounds totally shocked. Merlin has never been compelled to tell anyone about this before. Gaius has warned him many times that this could cause serious trouble. As far as he knows he never even told Edwin about this. But now he has revealed it to Arthur? Gaius is searching the young man's face and notices the slight blush on his face and the tremble in his voice. He has been a psychologist for long enough to recognize the signs. Oh dear. This is highly unexpected and it complicates things.

"What has he told you exactly?" Gaius enquires, making sure he does not give away more than Merlin would like.

Arthur gives a short account of it and then stops.

"Yes, and?" Gaius plays the waiting game, checking what Arthur is actually after before he puts his foot into it.

"Can you tell me if Merlin is able to manipulate feelings with his power?" There, now Arthur has said it.

Gaius smiles and nods to himself. He expected exactly that.

"I have never known anyone like Merlin, Arthur." He starts gives a deep sigh and smiles benignly as he continues.

"You know that… every creature alive exudes a life force, an energy that is all around us. Some people are aware of it, others have no idea it even exists. Merlin is highly susceptible to this energy, in fact he is like a live conductor for it. But that is not all. What is really special is that he can dip into it and use it like no one else I know. By touch of hand he can channel it and direct it to another person."

"And then he can manipulate that person?" Arthur presses the question out again.

"No, he cannot do that." Gaius shakes his head. "When he shares the energy with another person it usually has the effect of relaxation and calm. And it opens a door to the soul, but he cannot force you to walk through that door. That is completely up to you whether you do that or not. Merlin can neither create a feeling in your heart nor extract confessions that you were not ready to make."

Arthur stares at Gaius incredulously. Is he saying that at the bottom of his heart he wanted to tell Merlin all those things?

Gaius answers his question before he has asked.

"The wish to share something that is usually hidden deep inside you is often totally unknown to your conscience. And when it happens it can cause shock and anger which in emotional confusion is then redirected towards Merlin. People simply cannot understand why they give up so much of themselves, but they do it because they subconsciously want to let go of it."

Arthur nods. That is what must have happened to him.

"Does that help?" Gaius smiles at the blonde who is sitting next to him enraptured in his little lecture.

"It does… a lot." Arthur sighs. "I just cannot understand…."

Gaius puts his hand on Arthur pacifying him. "Whatever has happened between the two of you Arthur, I am not sure of, but there are two things I would like you to know. There are only very few people who know about Merlin's gift. He has decided to share this with you and I hope you to treat it with respect and confidentiality. And…" He pauses for a second. "I have known Merlin since he was a young boy. He is a gentle soul. One of the kindest people I have ever met. Even if he might appear a bit erratic and odd at times." Gaius chuckles, but then gets serious again.

"He would never take advantage of anyone else or use his power in an abusive way. I can assure you of that."

Arthur nods and mumbles a quiet "Thank you."

He gets up to go, but Gaius holds him back for a second.

"Merlin is like a son to me Arthur, I would not like to see him hurt." And his eyes pierce through the young man as if he can see through his heart.

Arthur visibly blushes and he clears his throat before he answers. "I understand, Gaius." He says, but Gaius knows that he does not understand everything yet. This is all he can do. It will be up to Merlin to reveal all his secrets to Arthur.

Arthur's heart is thumping when he walks back to his car. Gaius has confirmed everything Merlin has told him. So that means that this overwhelming feeling inside him is genuine. Comes from his heart. Not Merlin's power.

"So does that mean I am gay now?" He thinks in shocked bewilderment.

On his way back to his apartment he promptly checks out every male that passes him by. He takes note of some tight arses and some well-defined chests. There is also that fit brunette who winks at him in the lift. But none of this causes a stir in his pants or a flutter of his heart.

Which makes Arthur conclude at this first instant that his feelings are for Merlin only. And do not in some way represent a complete change of his sexual orientation. Which in a strange way makes complete sense to him. Merlin is the exception in his life, the one person that does not fit the mould and does not comply with any of the rules that govern him.

God, what would Uther say to all this? Arthur smirks rebelliously. At this moment in time he does not give a fuck. This is something he wants. For himself. And his father will have no say in it whatsoever. He has tried to please Uther for all his life. This time he is going to please himself.

By the time Arthur sits down for a lonely dinner in his apartment at Pendragon Inc. he has come to a very clear decision. He is going to go for this. However illogical it might be. However strange it might seem. He is ready to follow where his heart takes him and break out of the rigid regiment that his life is stifled by. And his heart is thumping in anticipation of his meeting with Merlin the next day. Wonders what the other man is doing just then. Relives the moments their lives have touched.

And he might smile if he knew that Merlin has done nothing else but think about what has happened in the car. That his mind is going round in ever increasing circles.

Saturday confirmed to Merlin what he has been trying to ignore. What he has been trying to push aside because his brain and common sense have demanded it. He is head over heels in love. It is as simple as that. Although he knows how crazy this is. For either of them.

He spends most of Sunday dissecting his feelings and immersing himself in a major research project about Arthur. He googles every image and every article that has ever been posted about him. Watches Arthur grow up from a little blue eyed boy to the man he is today. His life has been pretty much in the public eye after all.

From what he has seen and what he has experienced himself he concludes that Arthur has been living a lie for most of his life. Always playing the role of 'Uther's son' rather than being Arthur. Always trying to pander to his father's wishes.

Merlin's heart bleeds for him because he knows that Arthur is so much more and he has witnessed his kindness in his fight to save people's jobs. Arthur will only be able to be truly happy if he allows himself to be who is, not who he thinks his father wants him to be, Merlin is sure of it, and he would love to help him to do that, if Arthur was willing to let him.

The memory of the kiss never leaves his mind for long. If he closes his eyes he can still feel Arthur's lips on his and the memory of the stifled moan that escaped Arthur's mouth before he crushed his lips on Merlin's has a devastating effect on his cock every single time. He is still in complete shock that Arthur kissed him back.

Of course he is not a complete idiot assuming things. Arthur probably regretted it the next second. Was most likely taken by the surprise of it all. And wishes now that it had never happened. There is nothing Arthur can possibly see in him. Apart from maybe some kind of alternative distraction to his current problems. And they are not compatible for so many reasons Merlin does not even want to start thinking about it. Nothing can ever come of this. No matter how much he wishes for it.

Merlin is glad that he was sensible enough to place the ball for the next move firmly into Arthur's corner. He has made blatantly clear how he feels – whether Arthur takes or leaves what he has offered will remain to be seen. Merlin understands that there is an awful lot more at stake for Arthur than himself. Not only does he need to decide whether he can trust the origin of his newly found feelings, but also has to accept that he is attracted to a man. And that he might well decide that following up on this is a step too far, one he does not want to take.

Well, Merlin thinks fatalistically, he will have to wait and see and his insides clench at the thought of Arthur's appointment with him tomorrow afternoon. But before that, he has to get through the meeting with Arthur's lawyers which is scheduled for 11 o'clock.

The next day Merlin stands in front of the huge iron gates 15 minutes before he is due and feels even more jittery now than he was this morning. The building resembles more a huge museum rather than a lawyer's office. To be honest, with its massive Greek columns and huge windows it is rather impressive and a tiny bit intimidating. No wonder he feels rather apprehensive.

Merlin knows that the accident was his fault. And he realizes that it is his responsibility to deal with it. Of course Arthur is perfectly within his rights to demand damages. His gut reaction of betrayal when he received the letter was not really based on the subjective evaluation of this situation, but was an emotional and totally illogical response. Because of the way he feels about Arthur.

Merlin shakes his head to clear his mind a bit and enters the vast reception hall where a well groomed lady in her forties measures him critically over her spectacles.

"Good morning, Mr. Emrys." She greets him politely as if she knows him and with a distinctive air of professionalism. "Mr. Monmouth is all ready for you." And at that she buzzes his name through.

A rather senior gentleman of the distinguished kind opens one of the big wood panelled doors to welcome him as if he was a valued business partner.

"Would you come this way, Mr. Emrys." He gestures him into the room behind him.

Merlin's a bit awed at the efficiency and the grandeur of the whole place, but when he sits down at the big oak desk and sees a huge pile of paperwork on it, his heart sinks a little.

"Mr. Pendragon has informed me of the unfortunate incident last week." Geoffrey Monmouth starts. Merlin does not need to be told that his time to own up has come.

"It was really all my fault. And I am very sorry for what happened." He starts with the intention to explain Aithusa's temperamental behaviour. Of course saying sorry will not get him out of this, but he means it and he wants to make that clear.

"Yes, I am sure of that." Mr. Monmouth measures him and then continues in well-practiced manner.

"Mr. Pendragon has explained everything to me. In fact he phoned this morning to ensure that this business would be conducted according to his wishes. "

So Arthur has actually spoken to his lawyer about him earlier today? Merlin's guts clench in anticipation.

"He has indicated that he has no interest in retrieving the costs for the repair of his car."

What? Merlin cannot believe what he is hearing. What on earth is the guy talking about? Why would Arthur do that?

"And he would like to express his regrets at the damage that your car received in the procedure."

Mr. Monmouth is clearly more than baffled by the rather unprecedented instructions himself and just does as his employer has instructed.

"He pointed out that he feels a gesture of good will is appropriate and that, to this effect, he is going to cover the costs for the repair of your car. He has already arranged for it to be taken to an appointed garage this afternoon."

There must be a huge question mark on Merlin's face because he is beyond baffled. Arthur wants to pay for Aithusa's repairs? Merlin's does not know what to say or how to react. He just stares at the old man opposite him in complete surprise.

"There is one condition, however." The lawyer concludes.

Ha. There it comes. Merlin is sure that this is the bit where all this is going to fall part.

"You must produce written proof that you have taken up car insurance within two weeks."

So Arthur is basically offering the money as long as he gets himself insured. Forcing him to do the sensible thing. In a kind of pushy, fatherly sort of way. As if he is looking after him in a kind, but firm way. Merlin feels a twinge in his heart. He is not used to being looked after like this. It causes a warm glow inside his chest, and it seems to suggest that Arthur was not that pissed off about what happened on Saturday.

A huge smile starts spreading over his face. Damn. Why does he have quibbles about accepting this offer?

Mr. Monmouth seems to pick up on his uncertainty.

"Mr. Pendragon made clear that he would not accept a refusal, young man"

Merlin is still wrestling with his conscience. Arthur's offer will certainly save him from having to tighten his belt like mad for the next few months. And he knows that getting himself insured really is the sensible thing to do. But it does not seem right to accept money for something he has done wrong.

"It speaks for you that you are hesitating." Mr. Monmouth smiles at him now. "But if I may advise you, , there is no point in turning this offer down. Just accept it as a lucky windfall." And when Merlin looks at him still unsure, he adds "Once Mr. Pendragon has decided on something like this, he will not go back on it."

Finally Merlin gives in. From a financial point of view it would be crazy not to accept.

"That is very …. nice of . " He mutters quietly and then signs all the papers, hands over his car keys, shakes Mr. Monmouth's hand and leaves the office, still completely dumbfounded.

Merlin stands outside for a few moments, trying to digest what has just happened.

What Arthur has done is incredibly kind. But why did he do it? To help him out? Just because he is blatantly a lot less well off? Out of some kind of social conscience? Merlin does not dare to think any further. To contemplate that Arthur might have done it because he likes him.

Still, as he has accepted, good manners dictate that the least he can do is to text Arthur. He tries to think what to say and finally decides one word will do.

MerlinEm: Thanks.

A few moments later his phone pings with an answer.

ArthPen: No qualms about taking money from a pompous git, then? ;)

Merlin grins at the jibe. He knows he deserves the remark after the way he was slagging Arthur off for being wealthy on Saturday. Of course he did not really mean any of it, but rather used it as a defence weapon against his growing feelings for the man.

He also wonders if Arthur understands that he is slightly embarrassed to take up his offer and that the cheeky banter is his way of trying to make him feel more at ease about it. Merlin's lips are twitching with a smile when he answers.

MerlinEm: Ass. You just like showing off.

ArthPen: Idiot. c u at 6

MerlinEm: c u

Merlin rereads the whole conversation three times and suddenly a huge swarm of butterflies erupts in his stomach. Arthur 's reaction is friendly and not in any way hostile or offended. So what does that mean? Either he has decided to delete the whole episode in the car from his memory completely or ….. he liked it and ….

Merlin stops his brain right there and then, but his hopeful heart refuses to stop bouncing up and down in sweet anticipation.

Arthur is his last appointment this afternoon and six o'clock cannot come soon enough.

When the huge standing clock in his office chimes in at 18.00 hours Merlin jumps up and rushes out to reception.

"Any sign of Arthur, yet?" He asks as non-committal as he possibly can, but he cannot fool Gwen. He sees her shoulders rising in a sigh.

"No, but he has not phoned that he will not come, either." She reassures Merlin.

She watches on as the young man fiddles with their brochures, walks up to the water dispenser, returns to the brochures, opens one, closes one, walks up to the water dispenser, returns to the brochures, picks up another one …..

"For goodness sake, Merlin. Just stop twitching and sit down." Gwen tells him off.

When she notices the agitation in his face her heart melts a little. He looks so anxious. God, Arthur is definitely getting to him. If this is what it looks like, it cannot end well, not for Merlin anyway. But how can she blame Merlin for wanting someone in his life?

"I'll buzz you when he arrives." She says softly and Merlin understands and returns to his office.

But the buzz does not come and time is ticking away. Finally it is 7 p.m. and Merlin sits at his desk staring at the Pendragon file. What has happened? There has been no phone call, no text, absolutely nothing. Earlier this morning Arthur still maintained that he would be there.

"Maybe everything today was just for show." Merlin thinks, immediately drowning in his own insecurity. "Maybe he just did not want to risk a discussion about not coming. Maybe …and at that thought his stomach drops … the money for Aithusa was meant to pay me off and to shut me up about the kiss. Maybe all that kindness was just a means to get me out of his life."

"Come on, Merlin." Gwen calls softly from the door. "It is time to go home."

An hour later Merlin sits on his sofa and reflects on his situation. He cannot blame Arthur. The man has obviously made his decision and Merlin will have to live with it. It would have been nice if he had been told face to face but Merlin knows from experience that people like to avoid difficult situations like this. Still, the way this is happening makes him feel like shit.

Merlin keeps repeating bland wisdoms like: "Better now than later." or "It would have never worked anyway." or "It is his loss" all over in his head in the hope it might alleviate his pain. Much chance of that! He is not sure whether to allow himself to grieve for something he did not actually have. All he knows is that he hurts.

What he will do is open that nice bottle of red a client gave him as a token of appreciation. He pours himself a big glass and sips the smooth red liquid while his brain keeps going round in circles. Before he knows it, most of the bottle is gone and the anguish inside him is a little bit less acute and more manageable and a pleasant fuzz is wrapped around the ache in his heart.

Then the door bell goes. Merlin gets up and almost falls flat on his face because he is swaying like a sailor on a wind-swept boat. It is ridiculous what a bloody lightweight he is when it comes to alcohol. Of course downing a whole bottle of wine in such a short time does not help either. Just now he could not care less.

He staggers to the front door and opens it without even checking who is outside. His jaws drop when he finally manages to focus on the person who is standing in front of him and then freezes to the spot. It is Arthur.

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**Merlin does manage to get himself into the most embarrassing situations! *g*.**


	9. Boy finds boy

**I do not own Merlin.**

**Hello to all of you who have started following and have favourited this story in the last week! Thanks for your support. And I also really appreciate that so many of you have left comments after the last chapter!**

**So here it is. A very drunk Merlin finding Arthur at his doorstep.**

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"What do you want?" Merlin slurs, still managing to sound appropriately hostile. And then completely incoherently. " You're late."

Arthur just stares at him, a little bewildered. He has been running up from the car park and is still slightly out of breath. Merlin's tirade has taken the wind out of his sails. He was going to say so many things, but his mind is blank now.

"And hello to you, too" He returns and scans Merlin's pale face. It is blatantly obvious that Merlin is what they call 'intoxicated'. This is turning out rather different from what he expected.

"I was in a closed board meeting with my father and could not get away. Father does not allow mobiles or any form of interruption in those." Arthur explains softly in two simple sentences why he did not make it earlier nor had a possibility to contact him.

Merlin mumbles something like "Could have ….message" and takes a step backwards not noticing his shoulder bag on the floor behind him. He starts losing balance and instinctively grabs Arthur's arm to steady himself.

"Idiot." Arthur mumbles to himself, but falls silent when he feels the connection between them as soon as Merlin touches him. Warmth and want sweep through him in an instant.

He probably should be angry and annoyed, but how can he be when he has just admitted to himself how much he feels for this man. Okay, Merlin does look rather pathetic at this very moment. But as Arthur scans his face, he finds it almost comical how much put out he seems to be.

"Why you here?" Merlin is trying to be comprehensible, but fails miserably.

"I think you need your bed." Arthur avoids an answer, suggesting the most sensible thing. He takes Merlin's hand gently and pulls him towards the living room.

"Where is your bedroom?" Arthur asks and, despite not being compus mentis at all, Merlin throws him a look.

"Well, never mind." Arthur mutters when there is no answer. Merlin seems to be content just standing there and staring at him as if he is trying to figure out where he has met him before.

It is not exactly difficult to locate the bedroom and a minute later Merlin has dropped on his bed in complete oblivion of Arthur's presence and snores loudly.

Arthur stands there beside him and studies him carefully. Even in this state Merlin is totally gorgeous. He is the most beautiful man he has ever met. Actually, he is the only man he has ever called 'beautiful'. His face is so expressive and can display a range of emotions in just one look. Arthur loves how sensitive and intuitive he is. Is awed by the way he can interpret feelings. Which is something he is total crap at.

Arthur glances over the long lashes and thinks of the intensely blue eyes underneath which pull him in like a magnet when they fix on him. He smiles tenderly when his gaze wanders along Merlin's ears and wonders how often he got teased for their size when he was younger. They are certainly one of his stand-out features and Arthur finds them ultimately endearing. But nothing, absolutely nothing goes past that mouth, those brilliant lips whose warmth and taste he can still recall. His tingling fingertips find Merlin's mouth and he runs his thumb over that luscious bottom lip.

And then, as he sits next to Merlin for a little while just watching him and making sure he is alright, he cannot contain himself any longer. He picks up Merlin's hand gently and presses his lips on it, just trying cautiously what it feels like to touch a man that way. And he strokes a lock of hair away from Merlin's face, to then follow the line of his cheekbones. They are what he noticed first about Merlin. Nobody should be allowed to have weapons like that on their face. Arthur sighs and this is when he kind of comes to.

"What are you doing, you creepy stalker." He shakes his head to compose himself, then covers Merlin up with a blanket and quietly sneaks out of the room, leaving the bedroom door ajar so he can keep a check on him.

Merlin's flat is small and cosy, full of personal pictures and posters and memorabilia. God,and it is covered with books and papers everywhere. But there is an intimacy about it that lacks all the places Arthur has ever lived in.

There is a picture of Merlin and an older lady on the mantelpiece – most likely his mum. She looks kind and smiles at Merlin brightly. But there is some seriousness in her eyes, too. Arthur is sure of it. And wonders where that comes from.

It suddenly strikes Arthur that he hardly knows anything about Merlin. While Merlin has visited the depth of his soul and heard his most private thoughts, he does not even know how old he is.

Merlin. Arthur sighs and settles on the sofa, flicking on some background TV while his mind strays back over his day.

It had been really out of his hands that his father called an emergency board meeting about Stratton on Monday afternoon. Uther was furious that Arthur had not started proceedings for a closure as he had demanded. Of course Arthur had been really too busy on Sunday dealing with his feelings and finding out about Merlin, but he had also decided to stand his grounds with this one. Because he felt really strongly about it.

It seemed that this newly found, exciting emotion inside him gave him the strength to stand up against Uther. To do something different. And when he presented his case, the board had agreed with him that Pendragon Inc. should have a go at saving the factory. It had been a triumph for him, but it had made him miss his appointment with Merlin.

That is why he came here. He needed to see Merlin. And then found him totally plastered. Arthur wonders what exactly made Merlin finish that whole bottle. Merlin does not seem the type to find solace in alcohol. One thing is for sure, there is no way he can leave him alone tonight. Merlin is a total goner and anything could happen.

So Arthur settles on the sofa and pulls the woolly blanket that is lying on the sofa chair over him. It smells vaguely of Merlin and it is nice and cosy to be surrounded by his scent. And incredibly calming. Arthur falls asleep in seconds.

Arthur wakes by the rattling of pans and the smell of coffee. An automatic glance at his watch confirms what his instinct tells him. He is late. It is 8 o'clock and he should have been at the office at least half an hour ago. He jolts up to face a freshly showered and dressed Merlin.

"Good morning." Merlin has a rather sheepish grin on his face.

"Thanks for staying." He squeezes out, not quite sure where to put his eyes in embarrassment. "Did you sleep okay?"

Arthur realizes in astonishment that he actually has not slept that well in ages. "Great. So, how are you doing?" He asks. "You're not feeling sick?"

"Tend not to. Even if I drink over my limit." Merlin explains.

"You certainly did that last night." Arthur retorts sarcastically.

Merlin blushes and nods in agreement. "It does not take a lot to put me out."

"Why did you do it then?" Arthur enquires, genuinely interested.

Merlin bites his bottom lips and Arthur cannot help but stare. But it does not take away from the sense that Merlin is not quite ready to answer this question.

And he does not. Instead he says. "Fancy some breakfast?"

The smells from the kitchen are heavenly and Arthur nods.

"Just need to phone the office quickly." He says and he quickly informs his secretary that he will be late today. He is never late. He can almost hear her raising her eyebrows in surprise.

"Help yourself to pants." Merlin says pointing in the direction of a chest of drawers and the tips of his ears turn red. The thought of Arthur wearing his pants is just a tiny bit too much to deal with first thing in the morning. "And there is a spare toothbrush in the cupboard in the bathroom."

Arthur gets washed and tidied up and then sits down at the small table in the kitchen.

Merlin looks at Arthur and cannot believe that he is here. In his flat. Sitting down to have breakfast with him as if it was the most natural thing in the world. When he woke up he thought that he had dreamt that Arthur had arrived last night. That wishful thinking had gifted him a pleasant dream. The shock of finding Arthur lying on his sofa fast asleep had been electrifying. The thought that he came to see him leaves a warm glow in his heart. And Arthur stayed overnight. For him. Because there is no other explanation. Can he fall even more in love? The butterflies in his stomach are going mental.

Arthur has shown yet again what a kind and generous person he is and Merlin really wants to show his appreciation. So he has cooked breakfast and he serves bacon and eggs and beans and he has made some fresh pancakes and coffee. It is simple fare, but expertly cooked and very tasty.

"Mmm. This .. nice" Arthur compliments him between munching on a bit of toast.

"Thanks." Merlin blushes in delight.

They eat in companionable silence, but finally Arthur looks up to search Merlin's eyes.

"Why did you drink all that wine?" He asks again, not being able to let the question go.

There is no judgment in Arthur's voice and Merlin decides that nothing but the truth will do.

"You did not come to your appointment. There was no message why. There was no attempt to contact me. I thought …." He stumbles over his words as he attempts his explanation.

Merlin stops while his ears are turning a darker shade of crimson and his Adam's apple is bobbing up and down nervously.

"You thought you had seen the last of me?" Arthur states when he realizes where this is heading.

Merlin nods and his eyes flicker between his cup of coffee and Arthur's face.

"Well, what else could I think?" He sounds very unsure now. "After Saturday."

"I could have been in an accident, you know. My car could have broken down. I could think of tons of other scenarios, Merlin, why I could not be there yesterday." Arthur sounds a tiny bit exasperated.

Merlin blushes at the comment. Of course Arthur is right. These possibilities simply never occurred to him. Because his mind is clouded by insecurity and this overwhelming feeling for the man sitting opposite him and this kind of makes his brain work only one way.

"It's just …..the situation was not very clear when I left you last time." He adds a little more assured. And now their eyes lock.

"No, it wasn't….. then." Arthur mutters hoarsely and then adds slowly. "I went to see Gaius."

Merlin's head pops up and his eyes widen.

"He clarified things for me,…. the gift you have. " Arthur continues. What you can do with it." He clears his throat. "…..and what you can't."

Merlin can hardly hear his words because his heart is drumming so loud.

"Merlin." Arthur whispers and it sounds like a revelation.

And at that he gets up and is next to Merlin in a second. "I really want to…."

And at that he takes a step forward, right into Merlin's personal space, grabs hold of his face and crushes his lips onto Merlin's. Merlin drops the fork he is holding in surprise and freezes in time and space for a split second. He is sure that his heart has stopped beating, too. And then he kisses him back with fervour and passion.

His gold is sweeping through him in elation and joins the rush of heat that races through his body while there is only one thought in his mind. Arthur. Arthur. He is here and he wants him. And at that everything else fades into insignificance.

Arthur tastes every bit as good as he remembers, just with a hint of sweet pancakes and coffee. Their lips move hard against each other, both completely enraptured by the feel and taste and passion of the other. And Merlin sobs helplessly into the kiss as the intensity of it sends shockwaves of want and need through his body. He licks Arthur's mouth open impatiently and their tongues entwine in a glorious dance of pushing and curling. His hand finds its way into Arthur's blond hair and he wantonly grabs and pulls it until Arthur groans.

"Merlin." He breathes huskily and then his hand glides round Merlin's long neck and all he can think is how right and bloody good this feels. And with a moan he pulls Merlin into another kiss. And this time it is rough and filthy and oh so different from kissing a girl. Merlin's lips are soft and yet so firm and demanding. They take hold of him and own him and they make him shiver with desire.

Then they stop for air and Arthur leans his forehead against Merlin's.

"Can you always feel what is going on inside people when you touch them? Every single time?" He asks curiously.

"Not all the time." Merlin answers and gets lost in the blue of Arthur's eyes. "Sometimes it is very vague and fuzzy, other times as clear as a bell."

"Can you ever stop it?" Arthur wants to know next because he cannot imagine what it would be like to be invaded by an array of feelings every time you come into contact with another person.

"If I really concentrate I can blank the sensation away or push it away from my mind." Merlin explains. "But that can be difficult at times."

"Do you ever wish it was not there, you know, the power?" Arthur looks at him questioningly.

Merlin hesitates. "I do not know it any other way, Arthur. I was born like this. The empathy has always been there. I have no idea what it is like not to feel."

Just exactly the opposite from me. Arthur thinks and looks at Merlin in wonderment.

And then he pulls Merlin close and wants to embrace him. Merlin reacts quicker than a shot. He catches Arthur right hand in his own and leads it to his arse while he clasps the left and lifts it to his lips, the two arms creating an air pocket between their bodies. There is a spilt second of surprise in Arthur which is immediately forgotten when Merlin bends forward and searches his mouth again.

When they eventually part, Merlin strokes gently over Arthur's jawline, then trails his thumb over his bottom lip. "You are incredible." He mumbles in awe and he presses a gentle kiss onto Arthur's mouth.

Arthur just inhales the sight in front of him. Merlin's dishevelled state with his lips red and glistening and waiting half parted to be ravished again.

"God, you are gorgeous." Arthur whispers into Merlin's ear and Merlin shivers when he hears the words and finds it hard to believe that they are directed at him. Will Arthur still think that, once he tells him everything? Once he realizes how damaged he is?

Merlin is fully aware that he will not be able to put this off for very long. He can do only so such much about avoiding having his chest and back touched. Like he did just now. But that is not something that can work, not even in the short run. Merlin knows, but is afraid what will happen when he reveals all. But he also knows that keeping this any longer from Arthur would be utterly unfair. Because he has to know what he lets himself in for, if they want to be together. And he can only do that if he knows everything about him.

He just wants to hold onto that moment of sheer happiness now. Revel in the bliss even if it is just for the shortest of time.

"That was very kind of you." He mutters between little kisses all over Arthur's jaw.

"What? Kissing you?" Arthur pulls back and grins.

Merlin chuckles, realizing that his comment was not exactly comprehensible.

"I mean your offer to pay for Aithusa." And he blushes yet again, still not convinced he did the right thing about accepting. "Why did you do it?" He asks.

"I just wanted to help" Arthur smiles in the full knowledge that he is repeating the exact words Merlin used in the stables.

Merlin still hesitates. "You really sure that this is okay?" He feels like he is taking advantage of Arthur.

Arthur gives him an exasperated look. "I would not have suggested it otherwise."

"It was my fault." Merlin states and "I feel awful about accepting your money."

"Merlin. Stop being an idiot. My insurance will cover this without blinking an eyelid. It will not cost me anything personally. And it does help you, doesn't it?"

"I don't want you to think I am out for your money or anything." Merlin mumbles, his cheeks rosy from embarrassment.

Arthur laughs out loud at this. "Oh, now you are a complete imbecile." and he shakes his head in disbelief, but there is a note of tenderness in there, too.

"Thanks and thanks for last night." Merlin mumbles, choked with emotion and from feeling incredibly special because Arthur is looking out for him.

Arthur replies in kind and brushes his lips over Merlin's cheekbones and pulls Merlin in again. Automatically Merlin's hand pops up in front of his chest. And this time Arthur notices. And Merlin notices that Arthur has noticed.

There is something like a pregnant pause and a huge question mark is hanging over Arthur's head.

Merlin immediately knows that this is it – the moment of truth. It would not be fair on Arthur to keep this from him any longer. Before he commits himself even further. He needs to give him the chance to make a choice, even if it comes a tiny bit late.

"Merlin?" Arthur feels the change in atmosphere, sees a big shadow descending on Merlin's face. Merlin looks decidedly pain stricken now and his eyes are flickering nervously between Arthur's face and the coffee mug in front of him.

"There is something about me you need to know." Merlin's voice is strangled and shaky. "Before this…" and he waves his hands between the two of them "…goes any further."

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**So Merlin is going to be brave. But will he really bare ALL his secrets? **


	10. Moment of Truth

**I do not own Merlin.**

So, here it is. The Moment of Truth. Well, maybe not the WHOLE truth. But I think you might have waited for that conversation...

Again I'd like to thank you all for the brilliant encouragement you are showing with your reviews, follows and favourites. I love you guys!

**WARNING: **This chapter contains explicit scenes!

* * *

Arthur swallows hard. If he goes by the look on Merlin's face, whatever is going to come next cannot be good. Dread settles in his stomach and he unintentionally holds his breath. He fleetingly wonders if maybe Merlin has some kind of deadly or contagious disea

Merlin is struggling to speak, but he then lifts his eyes to face Arthur and there is anguish written all over it. For Merlin this is the crunch point, where everything that has barely started can end. It has come far too soon. Merlin would have liked to hold onto that exhilarating feeling of happiness a little bit longer. But there is no way he wants to deceive Arthur about what he would be letting himself in for. He understands that this man opposite him has already put his whole self on the line for him.

"I have haphephobia." He says in a shaky voice and when Arthur's eyes look at him questioningly, he adds: "Fear of being touched." And then Merlin goes on to describe his condition factually. He sighs heavily when he is finished and his head sinks and then he waits for Arthur's verdict.

There is silence to start with and then Arthur recapitulates.

"Right, so if I get this correctly, it means you cannot be touched on your chest and your back."

Merlin just nods.

"At all?" He wonders and there is a little quiver in his voice.

Merlin shakes his head and panic is rising in his chest.

"I assume that explains what happened at your office?" It is a statement rather than a question and Merlin nods again. He does not realize that he is visibly shaking now.

"And that reaction can happen any time when someone touches you there?"

Merlin manages a strangled affirmative noise.

"Fuck, Merlin." Arthur sits down on the chair behind him and goes all silent, trying to process the news. This means he cannot properly touch Merlin, not in a way most people do. He is obviously okay with kissing, which is some kind of relief, but as for the rest… It is difficult to imagine how this would work out when they try to be together. And he loves touching. Always has.

This whole thing with Merlin seems to become more complicated by the second. And a tiny part inside him tells him that he should quit this now. No doubt, it would be the most sensible thing to do. He knows that he is taking an incredible risk with following his feelings. He is in fact putting his position in society on the line, not to mention that he is still married and his father will probably try to disinherit him if he finds out. It would be the perfect scandal for the tabloid press. Shit, they would really go to town with a story like that. Arthur Pendragon in gay relationship! He can see the headlines already.

And this latest revelation … does not exactly make things easier. How can you have a proper relationship with a person you cannot hug, cannot cuddle or hold close. His heart aches at the thought. Because that is something he has always missed and always wanted badly.

"I am so sorry, Arthur." Merlin pushes out just then. And he shakes his head in defeat. He has seen the tightening of Arthur's jaw muscles, notices how his eyes have darkened, senses how he suddenly withdraws. He does not want to hear the devastating words he expects, so he offers Arthur an easy get-away clause.

"I know I should have told you sooner." He says and swallows hard. "And I fully understand if you don't want to deal with this."

He hesitates before he adds: "I should have never started this." His voice is hoarse and croaky. "…before you had a chance to say no." And at that he is shaking his head again, turning round because he cannot bear to look at Arthur any longer and he does not want the other to see his tears.

Arthur hears the words and weighs them up in his mind. Would it have made a difference if Merlin had told him sooner? They had been drawn to each other right from day one. Felt a pull towards each other whenever they met. It has always been as if they were meant to be. Would he have said no to this, if he had known before he really got involved? Arthur is not sure, but, the way he sees it, this is not something that is relevant now.

Because he is damn well in love. And he cannot switch this feeling off now, just because Merlin turns out to be even more different than he thought.

Arthur lifts his eyes and what he sees is like a stab in his heart. Merlin's hands are clenched into fists and his body is shaking from the effort of keeping calm. His lips are pressed together in a thin line and he has paled even further. He looks utterly devastated.

Suddenly it is almost as if he can feel Merlin's pain and he understands how much it has cost Merlin to tell him and that he expects to be rejected.

And then Arthur takes the next step and puts himself into Merlin's shoes. He cannot even start to imagine how this feels for Merlin. He does not know for how long he has been like this but it must hellish not to be able to hold or embrace another living person. It is what makes you feel warm and cherished. And loved. He understands that more than many other people. Not to have that at all must be a nightmare, he should know, and it must make Merlin very lonely, just like him.

Still, Merlin has just made clear that he will not hold it against him if he takes a sharp exit now.

"You want me to give up on you, now that I have just found you?" Arthur asks quietly.

Merlin lets out a voiceless sob. "I do not want you to feel obliged to stay."

"Fuck, Merlin. You think I am that shallow?" Arthur has made his decision. He has not been brought up to give up easily. He has been taught to fight for the things he wants. And he wants this. Wants Merlin. He is not going to throw in the towel at the first hurdle. Any hurdle in fact.

And with those words Arthur gets up and grabs Merlin's hand. They stand for a second, quietly, facing and measuring each other.

"Show me." Arthur finally says and he sounds so determined, actually almost bossy. "Show me what I can and can't do."

Merlin tightens his hand around Arthur's, cannot believe that Arthur might be willing to take a chance with him and he gazes at him, riddled with complete disbelief. At this moment Arthur feels very much like his shining knight in armour who has turned up at the right time to save him from the curse that has been eating him.

There is a moment of awkwardness but then Merlin starts slowly to unbutton his shirt and he takes it off. He is wearing a white neat T-shirt underneath. When Arthur motions to pull it off, he quietly shakes his head. Showing Arthur his scars is one step too much for him at this time. He simply can't. Having to explain what happened. He still feels the humiliation of the abuse and the embarrassment for the way he looks now. Feels so damaged because of it. Of course the time will come to tell. But it has to be one step at a time.

Then Merlin takes Arthur's hand and draws a line across his collarbones.

"You can touch everything above." Merlin whispers. Then he does the same across his hipbones. "Anything below." And gives Arthur a coy look when he says it. Arthur feels his cock reacting at the thought.

"Shoulders are okay most times and legs, too." Merlin sums up and wonders how Arthur will react.

"We will try to work this out together." Arthur says and puts his right hand on Merlin's cheek . Surely there are ways they can get round this problem of Merlin's. Surely there are doctors that can help. Treatments that are successful. He has got the means, there must be something he can do. And he wipes the dampness on Merlin's cheek away.

Merlin wants to believe it so much, he doesn't want to think any further than this moment in time and so he nods and manages a tiny smile.

"Arthur." It comes out as a croak. "This will not be easy."

"Nothing ever is." Arthur replies and he smiles fondly.

Merlin is so overwhelmed by the sheer relief and happiness that is spreading inside him that he is strangely unsure what to do next. But Arthur is taking charge now.

"So it is okay here and here?" Arthur mumbles placing a slow, knee weakening kiss on Merlin's neck and then another one on the soft spot behind his ears. Merlin gasps as a hot flush of want rushes through him.

"Okay there?" Arthur continues his trails of kisses across his chin and up his ears.

Merlin shudders. His ears are definitely, definitely one of his most erogenous zones. Arthur nips along the outer shell and immediately goose bumps shoot all over his body and his cock springs to attention. The sensation caused by Arthur's sharp little bites sets him ablaze with needy desire.

"Mmmh. You like your ears being touched." Arthur mumbles huskily, and he grins mischievously while he draws his attentions to the other one.

"Need to sit down." Merlin pushes out a second later. It is no wonder his knees have turned to jelly and standing is simply no longer an option. He sinks onto the chair while Arthur's hands travel to his shoulders, lightly stroking and running his fingertips all over his neck and the tender hollows above his collar bones.

Merlin is tingling as a whole now and his gold is starting to react like a wild animal. His aching cock is pressed hard against the tight confines of the jeans and the urge for more friction and more Arthur is rising inside him.

"Arthur. I need to…" He groans and impatiently opens a few buttons of Arthur's shirt so he can slip his hands underneath it. He is desperate to touch and when he does Arthur hitches his breath. It is as if Merlin's hands are alive with electricity and every tiny touch is magnified a thousand fold. It is like being on fire with arousal and want.

And then Merlin pulls him down onto his lap, bucking his hips against Arthur's, while drawing his head in so their lips can meet yet again. Arthur takes note that he manages to maintain a safe distance between their chests. But there is no point dwelling on the thought because the taste of Merlin's mouth and the feel of his hard length pressing against him almost undo him there and then.

He moans loudly, but with it, a sigh of frustration escapes him. He slowly pulls back and his forehead drops against Merlin's.

"Shit. I can't stay just now….." He whispers unwillingly and searches Merlin's face for his reaction.

"We do not need to rush this." Merlin replies with a tender smile and he cups Arthur's face gently before he places a warm kiss on his lips.

"I know you have to go." And at that they entangle slowly and reluctantly. "You want to come back later?" Merlin throws Arthur a cheeky grin. "To deal with unfinished business?"

Arthur groans. "Someone try to keep me." He mutters while he gets himself into a decent state. "I'll let you know when I can get away from the office." He whispers into Merlin's ear when he is brushing his lips against Merlin's cheek.

And then he is out of the door swiftly, almost in a hurry, partly because he really should have been at the office ages ago and partly because he is not sure he will be able to keep his hands off Merlin if he stays any minute longer.

Merlin is standing in the hall staring at the door that has just closed and tries to comprehend what has happened. He can still smell Arthur's scent on his skin and taste his mouth on his lips. But he can hardly believe that all this was real. Arthur accepting him despite his debility. Accepting that he is different. Wanting him just as much as he longs for him.

Evening cannot come soon enough. Merlin has not been required at Rapport today, so he has had enough time to prepare for this. A bit of cleaning was overdue anyway and cooking has never been a chore. He has always enjoyed it and he has gone out of his way to make a special meal. The table is set beautifully in chocolate brown and silver and Merlin is just lighting a candle when the bell goes.

His heart thumps when he opens the door.

"Hi." Arthur says with a lopsided grin, but he looks dead beat.

Merlin pulls him inside the flat and then leans into him for a kiss. And Arthur returns it hungrily. God, he could get used to this.

"You look exhausted." Merlin mumbles when they come apart.

"Heavy day." Arthur replies thinking back to the acid discussion he had with Uther about Stratton earlier.

"Want to talk about it?" Merlin offers and puts his hand on Arthur's arm.

"Hmmm." Arthur does not want to spoil this moment with talk of Uther, but he is still totally uptight about it. He searches Merlin's eyes realizing that it is most unlikely that he can fool the man opposite him.

"I don't want to ruin this." Arthur looks a bit embarrassed now.

"Now YOU are an imbecile." Merlin grins. "Come here."

"Have you got anything comfy to wear with you?" Merlin asks and when Arthur nods, he simply says. "Go and get changed and I'll see you in a minute."

Five minutes later Arthur sits on the soft sofa chair wearing grey jogging pants and a short sleeved black T-shirt. It hugs every little muscle on his chest and shows off his trained physique to his advantage. Merlin has trouble tearing his eyes away, but this is not what he is here for at the moment.

"Shall I help you to relax?" Merlin asks and Arthur understands what the question entails. "Do your magic, Merlin." He answers and grins when he sees the other blushing. Merlin does blush a lot - he has noticed and he finds it rather endearing.

Then Merlin puts his hands on Arthur's shoulders and the gold flows into him instantly.

"Ahhhh." Arthur sighs in relief as his muscles untangle and his mind stops turning over and over again.

And then, just like before, he suddenly feels keen to talk. About Stratton and how annoyed his father is at him for pushing this through at the board against his will. How Uther tries to throw one obstacle after the other into his way to make the saving of the factory impossible. How he had to fight all afternoon to get things sorted and Uther neutralized.

And as he pours his heart out he suddenly understands what Gaius meant. About walking through the door into his soul. Merlin simply enables him to open up and to vocalize his feelings, but it is him who is in the driving seat when it comes to giving up what is going on inside him. And he is grateful that Merlin allows him to do that and awed by the power he possesses.

Finally he stops and suddenly he feels completely mellow and relaxed and calm and cared for. He raises his hand to put it on Merlin's that is still resting on his shoulder.

"This really is like magic." Arthur squeezes Merlin's hand. "And so bloody good."

And then he gets up slowly to turn round to Merlin who watches him intently.

"You saved all those jobs." He beams at Arthur. "And the livelihood of so many people. You are absolutely amazing."

Arthur's heart misses a beat at the praise. This is not something he is used to. Someone applauding his actions. Someone taking a real interest in what he does. Someone who appreciates him, Arthur, as a person.

And then his stomach grumbles.

"Something smells really good here, Merlin." He changes the subject.

Merlin's face splits into a devastating smile. "Come on, let's eat."

Arthur is stunned when he is placed at a table that is fitting of a posh restaurant. Merlin pours some red wine and lifts his glass at Arthur.

"Just enjoy your meal." He says and Arthur's jaw drops when Merlin serves his scallops and black pudding starter.

"This is amazing." He says at his first bite. He has always enjoyed eating good food and he certainly appreciates the effort. And Merlin's cooking is excellent.

"Stuffed breast of chicken wrapped in Parma ham with sauted potatoes and green leaves." Merlin is quite chuffed when he sees Arthur devouring the main course with his eyes first and then does not speak for about five minutes while he savours every mouthful of food.

It is not only that the meal is absolutely delicious. To have the domesticity of eating homemade food together is something he has never experienced before like this. It was always big dinner halls and formality. But this is incredibly cosy and homely and there is the strong sense that he belongs here. In this flat. With Merlin. And for the first time in his life he feels totally at ease with himself. With who he is and what he does. And it is all because of Merlin.

"Are you okay?" Merlin asks, having noticed that Arthur has stopped eating and is staring at his napkin.

"Very okay." Arthur replies hoarsely. "This was fantastic. Thank you."

"Pleased you enjoyed it." Merlin beams in that school boy kind of grin at him that makes Arthur's heart flutter.

"Dessert?" Merlin grins at him, his eyebrows raised.

Arthur gets up to put some dishes into the sink. When he turns round he pulls Merlin in by his wrist. "I could think of something." And searches Merlin's mouth.

They both have waited too long for this and when their lips meet their kiss becomes urgent immediately. Arthur pushes Merlin against the worktop holding onto his shoulders and presses his hips hard against Merlin's, while his tongue is plunging into Merlin's mouth. Merlin stifles a moan and then grabs Arthur's hips and grinds against them desperate for some much needed friction. This is so overwhelmingly good, so achingly hot, his cock is twitching in acute anticipation. Feeling Arthur's arousal against his lets desire flare in his chest and he grabs the blonde by the hand.

"Come on…" He whispers and finds Arthur's mouth again. And then they are making their way to the bedroom, never letting go of each other while grappling at buttons and shirts, virtually tearing off jeans and jogging pants, leaving a trail of clothes behind them on the floor.

Then they suddenly stand in front of the bed and there is a sudden pause. Merlin senses that Arthur is hesitating.

"Alright?" Merlin gently lifts his hand to cup his face.

"Merlin…." Arthur's voice is very quiet. "You know, I have never …."

Merlin places a soft kiss in the corner of Arthur's mouth. "Just trust your instincts." He reassures him. "And I'll be there to look after you." And he smiles tenderly while he runs his fingers through Arthur's hair.

"You do not have to do anything you do not want." Merlin whispers into Arthur's ear while his hands are starting to move over his chest lightly skimming over the smooth skin. They are very close now. Close enough for Arthur to feel the heat of Merlin's body, and far enough for Merlin not to have his chest touched.

"I want you." Arthur's eyes are darkened and full of desire. And Merlin crushes his lips on his again, licking and biting, while his hands are exploring every inch of Arthur's chest impatiently.

And Arthur relaxes and sighs. He feels safe with Merlin and trusts him with his body and his mind. And he leans into the touch that sends little spikes of want through every fibre of his body. His cock is rock solid and desperate to be touched. Just then Merlin pulls his pants off, followed by his own. The only thing Merlin is wearing now is the white T-shirt.

For a moment they stand and stare at each other in amazement.

"You are the most gorgeous man I have ever seen." Merlin croaks huskily and his eyes wander over Arthur's well developed chest, his refined muscles and his strong shoulders leading to that fucking edible neck. It leaves Merlin a bit breathless and things do not get better when his gaze gets caught by that fabulous cock that is bobbing invitingly in front of him. It looks flushed and hot and is soaked with precome and Merlin can hardly take his eyes off it.

Arthur's gaze has settled on Merlin too, taking in his long limbs and his legs. God. He just looks incredible and for just a second Arthur wishes that bloody T-shirt away, so he can see all of Merlin. All he wants is to get close, but he is not quite sure how, without touching Merlin's chest and back.

But Merlin is already guiding him towards the bed and Arthur complies more than willingly, spreading himself readily on the sheets under Merlin.

There is a thrill racing through Arthur, an urgency he needs to satisfy and his breath hitches when Merlin straddles him and starts rubbing passionately against his hard length. He moans at the intense sensation that is spreading like wildfire from his crutch. Merlin is leaning as low as he can over him now, resting on his elbows and starts to trail hot, wet kisses over his collarbones, while his hands are threading through the blonde curls on Arthur's chest.

Merlin is slowly moving south making sure that every bit of bare flesh is covered by a touch or a lick. His tongue circles Arthur's nipples and his teeth nip and bite them until Arthur groans in agony. His hips are bucking helplessly into Merlin seeking some relief from the tension that is building up inside him.

"Just touch me, Merlin." He pushes out, his voice deep and throaty. He cannot stand waiting any longer. Needs to be touched. Now.

Merlin chuckles in a pleased and promising way. "Not yet. Arthur. Not yet." And then he shifts a little, spreads Arthur's legs and settles between them. He revels at the sight of Arthur offering himself underneath him, his eyes dark with wanton and his fists clenched at his sides in sweet anguish. His cock twitches violently and draws silvery threads of precome over Arthur's stomach. Merlin bends over it and follows their pattern with his tongue licking and prodding at the soft skin. He can feel Arthur tensing under him when he follows his happy trail and stop short before his cock.

"Please." Arthur is panting breathily now, hardly able to utter the one word as he is awash with intense arousal and anticipation. But Merlin moves past his cock and starts cherishing his balls instead, sucking the hairy flesh, kneading it with his lips, biting it just soft enough not to hurt and hard enough to send Arthur into a wild frenzy.

Then Merlin is finally giving into Arthur's wishes and when his hand grabs Arthur's shaft firmly, the blonde takes a sharp intake of breath as a tidal wave of pleasure rolls over him. He is unable to stifle his moans because he is more than ready, more than aroused and the thought of Merlin doing that to him is almost enough to send him over the edge. His cock is slick with arousal and Merlin makes most of it, dragging his thumb over the head, massaging it in circles and then slowly sliding his hand up and down, all while his mouth is feasting on his balls.

"I won't last much longer." Arthur gasps and shivers in disappointment when Merlin lets go of him. But a second later he feels the warmth of Merlin's mouth wrapped around his aching sensitive cock and he cries out at the intense sensation swarming in all directions. Merlin takes him in deep, as deep as he possibly can, and then his lips hollow and he sucks and pulls while his tongue flicks tiny licks at the smooth hot flesh.

He is driving Arthur nearly out of his mind as he mercilessly works him and Arthur locks his fingers in Merlin's hair needing to hold onto something to keep him sane.

When Arthur looks down on Merlin, the view of his gorgeous lips working their way up and down his length and his cheeks hollowing with every suck is all he needs to fall apart. He gasps Merlin's name as his hips are thrusting forward hard and his fingers are digging into his shoulders. He mind goes totally blank for a second and then he spirals into the depth of the most intense release he can remember. His whole body shudders from it as he spills into Merlin's mouth and feels him swallow.

"Fuck." He moans breathlessly a few seconds later as he sinks back on the covers sated, hot and sweaty and his insides still quivering from the afterglow. Merlin is right beside him now stroking his cheek and smiling.

"Not so bad then?" He teases Arthur whose brain is slowly starting to function again.

"Not totally wrong. No." Arthur barely manages to speak and finds Merlin's mouth instead. He can taste himself as his tongue swirls over Merlin's lips and he groans at the mere thought of it.

"I did not know that this could be so ….." Arthur is momentarily lost for words.

"So bloody amazing?" Merlin grins at him now, incredibly pleased that he is responsible for Arthur feeling like that, that he is able to do that to this brilliant, beautiful man.

"No need to be smug." Arthur grins back at him. "I'll get my own back." He says as his hand moves down to find Merlin's cock.

"Argh!" Merlin shouts out at the sudden contact. His cock is begging for attention, hard and slippery with arousal and it slides easily in Arthur's palm. To have Arthur touch him like that is overwhelmingly beautiful. Merlin gasps at the feather light strokes and he bucks into Arthur's hands impatiently.

"Tough, the waiting, isn't it?" Arthur smiles as his other hand starts stroking Merlin's balls, pulling at the hair and swirling his fingers around each gland. Merlin's breathing is getting heavier by the second and he knows that he cannot stand this agony much longer. That he is so close. His gold is whirling inside him like a hurricane, ready to sweep him away at any time. Arthur's thumb is running along from his balls to the crack behind it and the mere suggestion of what it could do there drives Merlin to the edge.

Arthur has increased the pressure of his touch now, moving his hand long and slow. Merlin has given himself completely up to the sweet attack, is just a picture of sheer surrender.

"Look at you." Arthur whispers huskily and his voice, full of want and affection is enough to spark Merlin off. His chest arches upwards and then he loses himself completely spurting all over Arthur's stomach and hands.

"Arthur." He mumbles, totally spent and he sinks back on the pillows while Arthur bends over him, copying what Merlin did earlier, resting on his elbows so that there is an inch of air between their chests. Then he drops his head into the hollow of Merlin's shoulder, seeking intimacy and closeness, and breathing in Merlin's scent does just that.

And then they lie next to each other, their fingers entwined, their arms touching, and they both feel that they have come home. That this is it. And fuck the consequences.

And once Merlin has cleaned them up, they both settle easily next to each other, sated and tired. Merlin is drifting off to sleep when Arthur suddenly moves his head.

"What happens if I touch you while I am asleep?" There is worry in his voice. "I have no control over where my arms and legs go."

"No idea." Merlin mumbles. He used to sleep with a separate blanket when he was with Edwin. But he cannot even think of doing that with Arthur. He needs and wants to feel the warmth of his body when he falls asleep.

"Guess we will find out." And then he rubs his hand lovingly over Arthur's back letting some soothing gold flood into his body. "Don't worry about it, Arthur." Merlin whispers. "Just let's sleep."

And that is what they do, but Merlin takes a note that he must phone Lance the next day. There is something he needs to find out about. Urgently.

* * *

**So this is the beginning, but where are they going to go from here?**


	11. Two sides of a coin

**I do not own Merlin.**

**So here we are, the boys have found each other at least, but being together can be as difficult as finding each other!**

**As usual Thanks to all you marvellous people who are reading ****this!**

* * *

When Merlin wakes up, the first thing he notices is that Arthur is gone. Adrenaline floods him immediately and he sits up alarmed.

But then he hears the water in the shower running and he relaxes. Shit, he really has to stop being so edgy.

He looks at the alarm clock. It is only half past six. Arthur is certainly an early riser. Merlin shuffles into the kitchen and makes tea and puts toast on. A minute later Arthur stands in the door.

"Morning." He smiles and takes the cup of tea Merlin is offering. "Thanks." But before he drinks a sip he moves a couple of steps towards Merlin and takes possession of his mouth.

Merlin gasps into the kiss and his body goes from lethargic and sleepy to highly alert in a split second.

"Mmm. Could get used to that…" He mumbles into Arthur's mouth.

"Succumbing to my charms first thing." Arthur grins and runs his finger over Merlin's neck.

"Big-headed prat." Merlin chuckles. "You're better when you don't speak." And at that he finds Arthur's mouth again.

After a quick breakfast Arthur is out of the door. He really has to be on time today. Uther will be at the office early. "See you later." He shouts back before he closes the front door behind him.

Merlin sits in the kitchen for another few minutes quietly. This must be the happiest day of his life. He still needs to pinch himself to really believe that this is happening. And he knows one thing for sure – he will do everything he can, whatever it may be, to make this relationship work.

And that is when he remembers to phone Lance. It is his lucky day because his friend can come over just after lunch.

"What's up?" He asks as soon as he is through the door. But then he takes a closer look at Merlin.

"Do I detect a certain glow?" Lance grins and searches Merlin's face.

Merlin blushes, confirming Lance's suspicions.

"Arthur." Lance states. He does not even need to ask. Merlin nods anyway and can't stop grinning idiotically.

Lance sighs inwardly. As much as he likes seeing Merlin happy, he wonders what Arthur's intentions are. Is he just playing around, experimenting because he is unhappy? And even if he is serious about this, how can he possibly take this relationship long term? Is he going to going to drop Merlin at the first sign of opposition against their relationship? There is just no way of telling, but it seems that there are too many ifs and buts.

Arthur would certainly not have been on his list of suitable partners for Merlin. His friend's life is complicated enough as it is. This relationship, if this IS the way it'll develop, is not going to be easy. He is sure about that. But he will bite his lip. It is not his place to tell Merlin who to go out with.

"Okay." He says matter of fact. "So, what is it you want to talk to me about?"

"Lance." Merlin starts. " Is there anything I can do, some sort of treatment or therapy that could help me get rid of my fear? Or something at least, to bring it down to a level where I can be physical with someone without having a mental breakdown over it?"

"Ah, I see." Lance states. And he hesitates.

"There is something I could try, isn't there?" Merlin pushes a bit further.

"Yes, in fact there is." Lance faces Merlin, his eyes serious and contemplative.

"I have never suggested it before because you were never in a position where you could have coped."

Merlin swallows. "This does not sound very consumer friendly."

"It isn't." Lance pauses. "It is called Systematic Desensitization."

"Wow." Merlin grins, but there is uncertainty in his voice. There must be a reason for Lance looking so sombre. "Even the word sounds painful."

"It is, Merlin." Lance searches his face. "It means that you will be exposed to your fear regularly while coupling it with relaxation techniques. Hopefully, in time, this will reduce the level of anxiety you feel when you are being touched."

Merlin must admit that this does not seem exactly appealing. Actually, it sounds bloody awful and pretty scary and distressing.

"You mean you are going to touch me again and again, so I get used to the pain and the nausea and the palpitations and the sweat…."

"Yes, I do. The symptoms should reduce in strength and frequency over time and eventually you should be able to be cope without reacting too strongly to touch."

Merlin stares at Lance for a second. His fear reduces him to a whimpering excuse of a human being every time, it incapacitates him completely and makes him more vulnerable than most people. He hates the helplessness when it attacks, hates how it takes over his body, hates most of all how it has ruined his life so far.

"Is it successful?" He asks tentatively.

"There is no guarantee that it will work. Every person benefits to a different degree from the therapy." Lance answers honestly.

Merlin breathes in and out deeply. And sighs. "So, what do you think – do I have a chance of getting better with this?"

Lance looks at him and bites his lips. "I think it is your best chance, but I cannot promise anything." He can see that Merlin is battling with himself while he is pacing up and down the room nervously.

"How often?" Merlin enquires and his eyes are dark with worry.

"Three times a week at least, for a while."

Merlin gasps. To go through the agony of an attack on such a regular basis is a shattering thought. He knows that it will cost him to do that. In energy and will power. And mental strength to go through with it.

But then he thinks of Arthur. Who has been very understanding about all this, and extremely sweet and considerate. But so was Edwin at the beginning. Until he could not cope with it anymore. The same could easily happen again.

The thought of losing Arthur to his debility is more than awful. The thought that one day he might just look at him with pity in his eyes and say 'sorry' before he leaves.

If there ever was a time to face up to his fear, it is now – because Arthur deserves to have a normal relationship, not one that is stunted by dos and don'ts. And Merlin wants to make him happy and he wants to fight this bloody burden that has been making his life a misery for so long.

"Okay." He nods. "I'll do it." And he looks at Lance expectantly. "When do we start?"

Lance grins. "There is no time like now."

Merlin pales a bit at the thought, but then takes his T-shirt off.

"Sit down", Lance says and motions him towards the sofa.

"Now close your eyes and thinks of something that will keep you sane. Concentrate on it as much as you possibly can."

Merlin does as instructed and inevitably thinks of Arthur. Of last night and how utterly brilliant they had been together. How hot it had been to feel his skin under his palm and how ….

Just then Lance touches his chest above the nipples. He only does it lightly but it makes Merlin cringe. His heart immediately starts thumping louder and faster. Lance does not stop though, but runs his hand along Merlin's side next, then across his stomach, back up on the other side and then across his chest.

That pushes Merlin off the cliff and he plunges head on into an attack of the most intense fear. He jolts back, overcome with nausea and panic. Pearls of sweat are appearing on his upper lip and at the back of his neck. His breathing is irregular now as if someone was strangling him. He just sits there panting like mad, trying to gain control over his body again.

"Concentrate on your positive thoughts. And breathe slowly." Lance commands and Merlin's mind tries to flick back to Arthur desperately. To picture his blue eyes watching him as he is trying to beat this bloody curse. To imagine his steady hand holding his while he is fighting through his attack.

And he slowly pushes the fear away. Just then Lance touches again and this time the phobia just washes over him relentlessly. Merlin sinks on his knees on the floor, moaning with anguish, and takes a good five minutes before he recovers.

"Shit." He whispers. "Shit." And then, almost begging. "Is that enough for today?"

Lance gives him a sympathetic look and nods. "That will do for a first time. We'll try to lengthen the sessions each time by a few minutes."

Merlin gulps, and then puts his T-shirt slowly on again.

"Are you still sure you want to do this?" Lance is watching him intently, but Merlin does not hesitate.

"I am sure." He says quietly, but determined.

"I'll phone you later to arrange some dates for the therapy." Lance says before he leaves.

Merlin is still standing in his living room, forlorn in thought. This is going to be hellish and there is no guarantee that it will work. He will go through with it because he needs to try. For Arthur. For himself. For both their sakes.

But there is no way he can tell him about it at the moment. It would be awful to give Arthur hope for normality when this might never happen. No, he certainly does not want to raise false expectations. That would not be fair on Arthur. Because if he fails, the defeat would be unbearable, the disappointment too bitter.

The next four weeks rush past Merlin in a shot.

He has never been in such intense emotional turmoil. On the one hand his regular sessions with Lance put him on constant edge and sometimes on the brink of a nervous breakdown as each session reduces him to a trembling mess. On the other hand he has never been more buoyant because seeing Arthur every day is simply exhilarating.

They are getting to know each other better and Merlin has never laughed so much in such a short time. Although they are so different and could not come from more diverse backgrounds there is a lot of things they share. Like their crazy love of sci-fi and fantasy TV programmes, from Startrek right down to that cheesy show about Arthur and Merlin that ran on the BBC at one time. Or their interest in the environment and all related issues. Or their love of being outdoors whatever the weather.

Of course they are different is so many ways. While Arthur is controlled and measured, Merlin is spontaneous and creative. While Arthur is precautious and guarded, Merlin is intuitive and outgoing. The strange thing is that they seem to complement each other rather than clash over their differences.

Merlin is pondering about exactly that when he enters the reception of Rapport. He has quite a few clients at the moment and has to be in almost every day. Gwen smiles hello and says: "Gaius would like to have a word before you start."

When Merlin opens the door to Gaius's office, the old man looks up from his desk and waves him inside.

"Merlin, come and sit down for a minute, please."

This sounds rather out of the ordinary and Merlin wonders what this is all about.

Gaius gives him a smile and asks innocently. "How are you, my boy?"

Merlin grins inwardly. Gaius has been calling him a boy since he was six and seems to completely ignore that he is a grown man of twenty-seven now.

"I am great." He beams at his mentor. "Really fine."

"So I have noticed." Gaius searches his gaze as if he expects him to say something else.

"Gaius, what is all this about? Surely you have not ordered me in here only to find out about my well-being?" Merlin knows Gaius as well as Gaius knows him. And he can sense that there is something else going on.

"Uther phoned earlier today. He wanted to know whether Arthur is making progress." Gaius is watching Merlin's ears turning pinker, then red and eventually crimson.

"He is making progress." Merlin keeps his answer rather general but knows at the same time that Gaius is seeing through him like through a glass of water.

"In which way?" Gaius replies knowingly and at that Merlin gives up his meagre pretence.

"Gaius, I am in love with him." He says quietly and his head is dropping on his chest. It is the first time he is saying the words out loud and hearing them seems to make his feeling somehow more real and more tangible.

The old psychologist sighs heavily and gets up to walk over to the window.

"So it is, as I suspected." He pauses. "Well, it was pretty obvious."

"Was it really?" Merlin blushes at the thought that he has been putting his heart on his sleeve without really noticing.

"Well, what other reason could there have been for you to run around like a Cheshire cat for the last four weeks?" Gaius chuckles now.

But he does not really feel very cheerful. He would be the last person on earth to begrudge Merlin some happiness. But why on earth did he have to choose Arthur Pendragon out of all people? He knows Uther and how ruthless and determined he is. He understands what part Arthur has to play in society. He is simply very unsure that this can work. And he hates the idea of Merlin getting hurt yet again. The boy has suffered enough for a lifetime.

"I know Arthur is a good man." Gaius continues. "But I cannot see where all this is going, Merlin. Uther has to be reckoned with and Arthur is still married and he is in the public eye a lot."

Merlin nods. It is not as if he has not thought about this. But it has been only four weeks and it is far too soon to approach subjects like that.

"I am worried for you." Gaius finishes and presses his lips together.

"I know that you are only meaning to protect me Gaius." Merlin replies and puts his hand on the old man's arm. "And that you mean well. But this is something I have to work out for myself. What WE will have to work out together when the time comes."

It is all he can say at this moment in time.

"What did you say to Uther?" Merlin asks curiously then.

"I told him that he is in the best hands if he wants to be happy again." Gaius smiles benignly and Merlin has to laugh.

"Thanks, Gaius." He says and moves to leave.

"Merlin?" Gaius' voice is serious now. "I can only keep up this pretence for so long. And I cannot tell lies to Uther again."

"I understand." Merlin nods and lingers on the thought. This just highlights how difficult their situation is. It has only been four weeks and he cannot expect Arthur to out himself publicy already. Particularly not on an important issue like that, when it will have a major impact on his life without any doubt. But Uther will not wait for the results he expects. He has made that pretty clear.

Merlin sighs and is glad that work takes his mind off his own problems for the rest of the day and when evening comes he is tired, but excited, too.

"Why don't you come up to my apartment tomorrow?" Arthur said the day before. "I have an early meeting with one of my major clients and it would make it a lot easier for me to be there first thing in the morning."

"Great!" Merlin's face split into a huge smile. He loves the fact that Arthur does not even consider just not seeing him for one night, but wants him there with him.

Merlin suggested after their first week together that Arthur should bring some of his stuff to his flat, so he did not have to go back to his own apartment all the time. Because for some reason Arthur seems to prefer to be there in his tiny flat, rather than in his posh apartment. Not that Merlin minds. He loves having Arthur around, waking up next to him, cooking him something he likes, hearing him sing in the shower. And he loves that he can help ease his worries when he comes back from the office, stressed and exhausted.

"But …." He hesitates. "Will people not wonder if I visit you and then stay overnight?"

"I have thought of that, too." Arthur smiles rather mischievously. "But you are my marriage counsellor after all. And if you stay late because of your work….who is to criticize that?"

And so Merlin arrives at the main entrance at six thirty, just when the last few employees leave the office building. He walks into the huge steel and glass construction up to the reception area.

"Mr. Pendragon is expecting me." Merlin says to the receptionist as instructed by Arthur.

The man, dressed very formally in a suit and tie measures Merlin from top to toe. Merlin can feel himself blushing because he seems so out of place here with his baggy jeans, the 'Save Animals in Tropical Forests' T-shirt and the green rucksack.

"Just a second." The man lifts the phone.

"Mr. Pendragon?" He enquires. "There is a Mr…..? " He looks questioningly at Merlin.

"Emrys." Merlin answers and the receptionist continues. "There is a Mr. Emrys here to see you."

The receptionist's face falls in surprise at what he hears and then points to the lifts at the far end of the hall.

"Take the lift on your left and go straight up to the very top floor."

"Thank you." Merlin smiles at the man brightly, as if he's been particularly helpful rather than making him feel like shit. It is usually a good strategy for dealing with people like that. And it seems to work because the guy looks startled for a second and then turns round embarrassed.

When Merlin arrives at the top floor the door opens straight in to a small hall.

"Merlin, come in!" Arthur shouts from somewhere and Merlin walks through into the next room. And then his eyes widen.

Arthur apartment is like something out of a fashion magazine. All open plan with huge glass windows to show off a magnificent view. Clear lines and a certain minimalism are the main aspects. It all looks really impressive and trendy and is a far shot from Merlin's flat.

Arthur appears from another room that looks like an office. "Sorry, I had to finish that call." He says. And wonders why Merlin seems to stare at him.

Merlin is pretty sure that he has never seen a man more fit than Arthur. He is wearing a grey Armani suit and a pristine dark grey shirt with a matching tie. He would bet all his belongings that Arthur could make money with modelling, the way he looks. He personifies the image of the successful young entrepreneur down to a T.

"Come, I'll show you round." Arthur smiles and grabs his hand, shaking Merlin out of his trance.

The apartment is pretty much what one would expect from a young executive's accommodation. It boasts anything from a Smart TV, to voice controlled everything, to heated flooring and…and… Merlin's mind is boggling after a few minutes.

"God, Arthur." He shakes his head and laughs. "Would it not be easier to tell me what you have NOT got?" Arthur chuckles and punches Merlin's arm as he often does when he wants to show his affection.

"A bit too pompous for you, then?" He teases Merlin.

"It is breath taking." Merlin says. "Totally awesome, just a bit …." He is trying to look for the right word when Arthur says it. "Clinical."

Merlin nods. That is exactly it. It looks a little bit too much like straight out of a fashion magazine. Is a bit too lean and cold.

"It needs a little bit of you." Arthur mumbles into Merlin's neck and he can feel the blush and smiles. He really loves to make Merlin blush. It works every single time.

"Have another look round if you want. I have to go downstairs for half an hour to sort out some paper work." And then Arthur is gone and Merlin is exploring the rest of Arthur's place.

Apart from the living room with the open plan kitchen, there is one huge bedroom with an equally enormous bed. Next to it is the most beautiful bathroom Merlin has ever seen. There is a round bath in the middle, equipped with the latest Jacuzzi and a jet shower on one side and one with lots of massage options on the other. Piles of fluffy white towels are neatly stacked on the shelves and all the toiletries are top notch expensive stuff.

The only room Merlin has not seen now is the office and so he ventures inside to stop short when he sees the wall opposite the desk. It is covered with photos of Arthur. Of Arthur and the Prime Minister, of Arthur and the Prince of Wales, of Arthur and a colossal amount of people Merlin has seen on the news or in magazines or on TV.

He swallows hard because this hits home what Gaius has tried to explain to him. That Arthur moves in a world that could just as well be on a different planet from his and he cannot help but wonder how on earth he fits into the picture. Because at this moment he is certainly unable to imagine being part of all this.

If their relationship is to last though, if that is what they both want, this is something Arthur and he will have to address. And the way things are going with Uther this will be rather sooner than later. It feels too soon.

Well, Merlin knows for sure that there is nothing else he wants more. He wonders though if Arthur has thought about this. Like, really thought about it. Not just considered it as a passing thought. He hates the idea that Arthur could be pushed into making a decision without having enough time to make sure that this is right for him.

One thing is certain though. Their relationship endangers everything that is represented by those photos. That is why they have always been precautious when they have been out, watching very carefully where they put their hands and their eyes. Merlin understands why they cannot be seen together. Any rumour about Arthur could seriously affect business and could be maliciously used in the tabloid press. It is something Merlin has accepted as part of their relationship just like Arthur has accepted his debility.

Somehow though, seeing these photos have brought the point home to Merlin in a much more poignant way. Merlin's insides clench at the thought, but then he thinks of Arthur in his arms, the way he falls apart under his hands, and how bloody brilliant they are together, how much they laugh and how comfortable they are in each other's presence.

Maybe there is way, for them, together. Even he cannot see it at this very moment. Fuck. Being with Arthur all the time would be incredible. This is after all why he is putting up with all the shit the therapy throws at him.

And he knows that it is high time that Arthur is told his WHOLE life story and that he gets to know his damaged body. But so much has happened in the last four weeks, the opportune moment has simply never presented itself. Suddenly it seems so much more important that Arthur knows about this and fully understands who he is. He knows pretty much everything essential about Arthur after all. They should be on equal terms with this.

"Merlin, I am back!" Arthur rips him out of his sombre thoughts. "I was going to order some Korean food for tonight. Is that okay with you?"

Merlin sends Arthur a dazzling smile. The blonde knows fine that Korean is his favourite and Merlin is well aware that he has done this for him. "Great! Thanks!"

After their meal they both settle in front of the TV to relax, watching a rerun of the first Star Trek movie. Merlin's head is resting on Arthur's shoulder as he is drifting off puffing air through his lips and making funny little noises. A huge wave of warmth is spreading inside Arthur as he watches Merlin falling asleep. He looks even younger like this and so vulnerable.

Arthur cherishes the warm weight of Merlin pressing into his side and the urge to hold and hug him is suddenly overwhelming. It sometimes hurts so much that he cannot do exactly that. And he has to admit very reluctantly that has started resenting Merlin's ever present T-shirt a little bit. What can be so awful that he wants to hide it at all times? Does Merlin not trust him enough? Surely he should realize that he will understand, whatever is underneath.

And before Arthur realizes what he is doing he lifts his hand and very, very gently touches Merlin's chest with a fingertip. Merlin has never reacted to touch when he is asleep, so this should be fairly safe. He then slowly runs his finger down the front and eventually rests his palm on his heart, barely touching, but thrilled to feel Merlin's heart beating under his hand.

Unfortunately Arthur has not counted on Merlin moving in his sleep and, as he turns around, his chest virtually falls on Arthur's hand.

Merlin's eyes open in horror in a split second. And although Arthur is scrambling off as fast as he possibly can, the fear is quicker still. Merlin curls up involuntarily and rides the waves of the phobia.

"Fuck, Merlin. I am so sorry." Arthur is in shock and riddled by guilt. This is the second time he has had to witness this and he hates seeing Merlin in agony. Even worse is that he has brought it on this time.

A few minutes later Merlin is in control again.

"Merlin…" Arthur swallows hard and repeats. "I am so sorry. I…."

Merlin attempts a smile when their eyes meet. "It is I who should be sorry, Arthur." He whispers quietly. "If I was like any other man you would not have to put up with this crap."

Arthur shakes his head, but finds that a kiss is really the best comfort he can offer. And it does do the trick as Merlin revels in the sensation of Arthur's lip caressing his mouth, taking away the last remnants of anguish from his heart.

When they pull apart Merlin has decided that he is going to explain everything to Arthur. Now. He cannot keep this from him any longer, really wants him to know everything.

"Arthur. I want to speak to you about something." He starts and Arthur looks up, a little alarmed at the trembling in Merlin's voice.

"I am sure you must have wondered…" Merlin continues and just then, as if it had been planned by some higher sinister force, Arthur's mobile rings.

"Just a second, Merlin!" Arthur picks up the phone and Merlin sees how his brows furrow.

"Are you kidding?" Arthur shouts into his mobile. "I'll be down in a minute."

He then looks at Merlin apologetically. "Sorry. There is an emergency and I have to go down to the office for a while."

"Sure." Merlin smiles, but feels disappointment stabbing violently at his insides. He was so close to give Arthur the whole truth and now this opportunity has slipped away. His hope that they might continue their conversation where they left off, when Arthur returns, is in vain.

Because Arthur only comes back after midnight and when he quietly sneaks into the bedroom, Merlin is curled up in bed fast asleep.

* * *

**I hate when the phone rings at the wrong time. :)**

Looking forward to your thoughts!


	12. Hope

**I do not own Merlin.**

**WARNING: This chapter contains explicit sexual content.**

Merlin and Arthur have found each other. They are fine in their own little cocoon. But ... there is a world out there that is catching up with them. And not only that...

Hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

The next morning Merlin is barely awake when Arthur gets ready to leave for his meeting.

"Sorry about last night." He whispers in Merlin's ear. "See you later." and then he is gone before Merlin can mumble an answer.

An hour later Merlin is also ready to go. Arthur has left him clear instructions how to go about this without being seen leaving his apartment. He is to take the smaller lift at the back of the corridor. This leads to the underground car park from which he can easily get to the next tube station.

On his way home the events of the previous night run through his mind. Arthur must have touched him. There is no other explanation for his panic attack last night. Merlin swallows hard. The thought shakes him more than he cares to admit.

Why would Arthur even think about it? Did he need proof of his debility? Was he just curious what would happen? Or was he simply desperate to be close?

Strangely enough the last idea worries Merlin most of all. He is pretty sure he knows Arthur. That he is a decent man and that he can trust him. If Arthur touched him he must have done so because he desired it really badly. Which means that in the long run, Merlin will not be able to give him what he needs and wants. It also means that Arthur must find it increasingly difficult to cope.

That is why the therapy simply HAS to work. That is also why it is important that he reveals all to Arthur as soon as possible. So he understands completely who he is and why he is this way. He can hardly get this out of his mind.

But it seems that fate will not allow it. For the following two weeks Arthur is working long hours because he is in the process of securing a new business deal. When he comes back to Merlin in the evening he is dead beat and Merlin really does not want to burden him with his sordid story when Arthur is virtually falling asleep standing.

"Hi, it's done." Arthur says as he returns on a Sunday evening. He has been at the office virtually non-stop for two weeks.

"Halleluja!" Merlin shouts and Arthur laughs out loud at the comical dance he is putting on as a celebration.

"Idiot!" Arthur mumbles tenderly and pulls Merlin in as close as he can.

"Bully!" Merlin retorts before their lips meet for a long and thorough kiss.

"There is a long weekend coming up, Merlin." Arthur says when he finally takes a seat on the sofa.

"Yes, Sherlock, I am aware of that." Merlin grins.

"I would like you to pack a bag for three nights and be ready to go by next Friday lunch-time." Arthur says in his commanding 'office voice', as Merlin calls it. But there is a smile playing around his lips at the same time.

"Is that an order, sire?" Merlin does a mock bow, wondering what Arthur is up to.

"It is. So you better get it done." Arthur replies with mock authority.

"Hmmm, are you not going to tell me anything about this?" Merlin questions him with his brows furrowed.

"Nope! Just got to trust me on this one."

"Right." Merlin says in pretend subservience. "Trust you."

The words hit Arthur somewhere deep inside. They sting when they should not. The problem is that he has been wondering about just that. If Merlin trusts him, why is he still keeping secrets about his life? It has been niggling him since the night Merlin stayed at his apartment, but he knows that at the end of the day it is up to Merlin to start this conversation. Asking him directly about it is simply out of the question. It would feel like forcing him to speak up.

The light-hearted atmosphere has changed out of a sudden and Arthur has gone completely still. He can feel Merlin looking at him rather startled, so he turns to face him to look straight into his blue eyes.

"Do you?" He asks very quietly and unsure.

"Trust you?" Merlin is taken aback. "Of course I do. " And it sounds like the most natural thing in the world. Where did that come out of a sudden? Arthur looks so serious and pensive when he could really do with a little bit of relaxation after all the hard work he has done.

"You are still uptight." He mumbles and runs his hand through Arthur's hair. The touch shakes Arthur out of his dark thoughts and he smiles at Merlin.

"I am." He admits. "Anything you can do about that?"

"Sure." Merlin grins with relief. Now this is more like it. And then he lets his gold loose to bring comfort of mind to the man opposite him.

Five days later he is all packed and ready to go at lunchtime, just as Arthur asked. He cannot possibly imagine what Arthur has planned. Not that he has not tried to find out. But Arthur has been annoyingly secretive about this.

Arthur is actually rather pleased with himself. He knows that it is Merlin's birthday the following Sunday and, as it happens that there is a long weekend just before that, he has arranged a surprise trip for Merlin.

They have been together for almost seven weeks and he knows that this has been the happiest time he has ever had. Arthur loves Merlin's quirky sense of humour, the way his eyes sparkle when he laughs and the way his dimples deepen when he is grinning. He loves how caring and sensitive Merlin is, always tuning into his mood and picking him up when he needs it. And yet at the same time he is vulnerable and soft and needy and it brings out the best in him.

Being with Merlin has given him a confidence he has never had. He can be just Arthur, when he is with him and he feels cherished for it. This has given him a newly found boost of faith in himself that transcends into his relationship with his father. He suddenly feels more at ease with contradicting him, challenging his word and voicing his opinion. He knows he has to thank Merlin for that.

And this little surprise is just one way of showing how much he appreciates all of this.

Two hours later they are on the M40 heading north west.

"So, are you still not going to tell me?" Merlin has asked the question for the tenth time now.

"Merlin, have you got no patience?" Arthur is laughing out loud. "You will find out soon enough where we are going."

"Why does this have to be a secret?" Merlin pesters Arthur again.

"Because. It. Is. A. Surprise." Arthur says pointedly and rolls his eyes. "I cannot believe how nosy you are." But he throws Merlin an amused look at the same time taking the sting out of the comment. It is really quite funny that Merlin is behaving like a five year old before Christmas.

"Arthur? " Merlin asks two minutes later. "Can you not just give me the first letter of the place?" And he grins hopefully.

"Shut up, Merlin" Arthur shouts exasperated. "Or I'll turn the car back."

"You wouldn't, would you?" Merlin sounds appalled.

"I would. Definitely." Arthur throws him a mock threatening look.

"Okay" Merlin gives in. "Just have it your way." And he turns his head away in a pout, just to ask two minutes later. "If I give you the name of a place, can you say yes or no?"

"MERLIN!" Arthur shouts it now and they both burst into laughter.

An hour later a drowsy Merlin checks out the road signs.

"Are we heading to Wales?" He wonders.

Arthur's lips are firmly closed. But Merlin senses that he is right. He can tell from the way Arthur's face muscles move and from the way he tilts his head a little bit to the right side.

"Close your eyes." Arthur commands after another half an hour.

"Are you kidding me?" Now it is Merlin's turn to sound exasperated.

"Nope. I mean it." Arthur grins from ear to ear.

Merlin sighs deliberately noisily and closes his eyes. And waits. Fifteen minutes later the car stops.

"Right." Arthur sounds incredibly pleased. "You can open your eyes now."

Merlin opens one eye first, then the second and sees a long building, clearly built in the sixties. It looks like an old school.

"Yes?" He asks dumbfounded. But then he looks closer and makes out the writing on the sign on the wall. "Mold Country Library" and Merlin's eyes widen in delight.

"Arthur, oh my God!" He is totally ecstatic. How often has he wanted to come here to visit this place and use its resources. Because this unassuming place holds the largest collection of Arthurian texts in the whole of Great Britain. It is the mecca for any Arthurian writer, but he has never managed to visit before.

"How did you know?" He turns round to Arthur.

"I have got my resources." Arthur is tickled pink at Merlin's reaction. It is just what he has hoped for.

"But surely it will be closed at the weekend?"

"Not if you have connections." Arthur's smile widens. "It is all yours tomorrow and on Sunday."

"God, Arthur!" And at that Merlin throws his arms around Arthur and almost plants a huge kiss on his mouth when he remembers that they are in public and that this, even if there are no people visible anywhere, is not a good idea.

"Happy Birthday." Arthur whispers and Merlin throws him a look indicating that he would do unspeakable things to him if they were not standing in bright sunlight just now. Merlin resigns himself to express his feelings differently.

"This is bloody amazing." Merlin is twitching with excitement. "Can we go in?"

"You have got an hour today, as it is already almost six, but then it is all yours for the next two days."

The whole place is just beyond fantastic. Merlin feels like a child in a candy store that has been told he can pick anything he wants. He takes stock of what is on offer, already mentally marking out some of the works he wants to go through the next day.

The hour is up incredibly fast and then they are on their way to the small country hotel Arthur has booked.

"Thank you." Merlin says and his voice is shaking with emotion. This is the best, most thoughtful present he has ever had. Just then a thought strikes him.

"But what about you, Arthur? If I spend my time in the library a lot, we will have much less time together!" And he puts his hand on Arthur's thigh, rubbing it up and down deep in in thought, not realizing that his touch has quite an effect on Arthur.

"It is all in the name of research." Arthur smiles. "And I did bring my laptop to finish off some bits of work." He then lets out a deep breath. "And I would appreciate it if you took your hand off my leg now before I crash the car."

Merlin looks at him stupefied and laughs. "Sorry. I can hardly help if my irresistible animal magnetism distracts you that much."

"You wish." Arthur laughs out loud.

Merlin grins back fondly." Cheeky, are we"?" And then adds huskily. "You might regret that later."

Arthur's face flushes at the thought. "Hmm." is all he can muster because his brain is suddenly too preoccupied with what Merlin has on his mind.

The hotel is small and cosy and Merlin notices that Arthur has even thought of booking two rooms, just in case. Which brings his mind right back to their impossible situation. But he pushes the thought away angrily. They both deserve to have a few days without worries or burdens or anything else that could taint this short time they can claim completely their own.

They arrange that Merlin will visit the library on both days until 3 pm which leaves them enough time to enjoy the rest of the day together.

Merlin is euphoric when he starts looking through some of the works on offer. And he drowns himself completely in taking notes and photocopying and jotting down ideas. It is simply brilliant.

And then in the afternoon they venture out into the surrounding forests, walking and cycling and just being themselves. Without the confines of London and all it stands for. Without having to fear that they are being watched. It is like a huge burden rolling off their shoulders and in a way it is as if they have been set free.

"This is just awesome." Arthur leans back in the grass to stare at the clouds in the sky. They have had a good hike and are taking a rest at the banks of a small lake.

"Yeah." Merlin has just thought exactly the same. "Wish it could be like this all the time." He adds without thinking.

Arthur looks up. "Would you?"

Merlin cups his face. "I am sure you know that." And puts a small kiss at the corner of Arthur's mouth. Then he hesitates. He would love to ask Arthur back, but what if he gives a non-committal answer? What if he says nothing? Or in the worst case, what if he says that he does not want the same? This would spoil everything just now, and so he chooses to remain silent.

As always, time flies when you are enjoying yourself and Sunday comes all too soon. It is their last night and they have had a lovely meal in the hotel.

Merlin has started to pack some his stuff when he suddenly feels Arthur's eyes on him. When he looks up he finds Arthur standing in front of the bed, his hands behind his back and staring at him in a rather odd way.

"Yes?" Merlin raises an eyebrow. "What is it?" For some strange reason Arthur seems to be nervous.

"I have something else for you." Arthur mutters and pushes a small black box into Merlin's hand.

"Arthur." Merlin mumbles breathlessly. And his heart starts thumping like mad. He opens the box very slowly and swallows when he sees what is inside.

It is a silver ring formed delicately in the shape of a dragon. A red stone has been inset for the eye and the tail is swirling all the way round. You can see its scales and wings clearly. It is absolutely beautiful.

"Arthur?" Merlin's eyes are wide with shock and surprise.

"It is the Pendragon family ring. I had one made for you." Arthur steps into Merlin's personal space, so he can hold him at the shoulders. "To say thank you and …"

Merlin crushes his lips on Arthur's before he can finish and does not let him go for a long, long while.

"I am speechless." Merlin says eventually.

"Well, just that makes it all worthwhile." Arthur teases and Merlin gives him a little mock shove.

"That reminds me of the promise I gave you…" There is a glint in Merlin's eye.

"What do you mean?" Arthur asks confused.

"Animal magnetism." Merlin grins from ear to ear, raising his eye brow suggestively.

"Oh." Is all Arthur can say and he chuckles, before Merlin attacks him with his mouth yet again. As clumsy as Merlin can be, he is definitely ace when it comes to getting rid of clothes. Before Arthur can count to three he finds himself on the bed naked, straddled and completely overpowered.

"Do I need to worry?" Arthur teases him further, deliberately challenging Merlin to see what he has in store.

"Definitely." Merlin leans over him and squeezes Arthur's nipples really hard, smiling when he feels Arthur's cock twitching immediately underneath him.

"Merlin." Arthur's voice is dark and warm, and something in his tone makes Merlin look up.

"I …." Arthur swallows. "I want to be yours. Totally. Completely. In every way."

Merlin gives him a look that alone sends Arthur's heart racing.

"Arthur!" Merlin whispers and he brushes over his cheek lightly. This is turning out the best birthday surprise ever. They have never broached the subject . With Arthur being new to all this, Merlin has made it clear right from the beginning that he knows that it is him who is calling all the shots when it comes to choosing what they do and what they don't.

"I brought supplies." Arthur says huskily and his eyes are dark with want.

"Fuck me, Merlin." He whispers and throws Merlin a dirty look. He sits up, so they are facing each other, legs and arms entwined. And he starts stroking Merlin's collarbones and the nape of his neck, running his fingers slowly upwards towards his hairline.

Merlin sighs into his touch and his gold reacts as it always does with Arthur. It is rushes through him, wave by wave, like water gushing in the sea on a stormy day, and it sweeping him towards Arthur, uncompromising and powerful. Arthur revels in Merlin's reaction, can feel the spikes of the gold breaking out of him and smiles into Merlin's neck when he feels him trembling from his touch. And then he trails a path from Merlin's neck to his ears, sucking and biting and licking and kissing until Merlin gasps helplessly.

"Arthur." Merlin moans, complete in his surrender. There is nothing better, nothing more arousing than Arthur in his arms. He presses his hips impatiently closer to Arthur's wanting to feel his bare skin on his, while his lips brush warm and softly over Arthur's cheeks and his mouth until their tongues find each other. The rest of the world falls away as they feel nothing else, but their passion and their bodies desperate to be sated.

Merlin drives his fingernails over Arthur's back and digs them into his hips, again and again while his lips trail kisses along his regal jawline and that delicious neck. He remains a little longer there, sucking and licking, until Arthur hips start rising and pushing up, looking for friction.

"Merlin." He gasps and makes noises of protest when Merlin disentangles their limbs, but sighs with relief an instant later when he feels Merlin's hands on his arse, stroking and pinching and clawing his nails into the firm flesh. It travels straight down south and his cock is twitching with every touch and the spikes of Merlin's gold that reach him, heighten every stroke threefold.

"Lovely." Merlin mumbles and runs his hand over Arthur's slick cock in slow motion while his other hand is exploring his crack. Arthur hitches his breath at the first touch. He knows what to expect but he would be lying if he said that he isn't a little bit nervous. Merlin is running his thumb over his furled entrance now, slow and deliberate, just touching, but no more, until he feels Arthur relax into his hand completely.

"Trust me." He whispers and then puts his mouth where his thumb has been a second ago. Arthur moans shamelessly as the delicate hot and wet touch sends shivers down his spine.

"Fuck, Merlin." Arthur gasps voicelessly when Merlin dips his tongue into the tight passage and starts to loosen the muscles lick by lick. The thought that Merlin is touching him there, like this, is driving him near the edge. His cock is craving for attention, dripping with precome and aching from restraint. He needs some relief, some kind of touch, something to kill the need inside him and he reaches out, ready to grasp his erection, but Merlin gently takes his hand.

"Steady." He mumbles and then dedicates his mouth to explore every fold between Arthur's cheeks. Arthur's heart is beating so fast now that he can hardly breathe. He hears the sound of a jar of lube opening and a second later a slippery finger is rubbing gently over his entrance.

"Do it." Arthur groans, shaking with desire.

"Patience." Merlin whispers and slips a finger inside. Arthur hitches his breath. It is a strange, new feeling, but oh so hot and intimate. And Merlin pushes in again and again, and it seems to go on forever, and makes Arthur ache for more with every move. That is when Merlin adds a second finger. And he works him just like before, slow and measured, scissoring the fingers to stretch Arthur further.

Arthur is unable to keep still any longer, quivering with lust, and he is bucking against Merlin's fingers at each stroke, eager for everything, ready to be taken. He cries out when he feels a third finger enter him and pressing deeper and harder with each thrust. Intense pleasure is rolling over him relentlessly and he is twisting and squirming under Merlin's hands. God, this is driving him crazy.

"Arthur." Merlin mumbles and drags his tongue across his back and hips. Arthur instinctively understands and rolls over, pushing his hips up, waiting and wanting. Merlin is caressing every inch of skin he can reach, cannot get enough of Arthur, of his scent and the smooth feeling of his muscles. And Arthur has never felt so cherished, so wanted and so desired.

"Want you." Arthur's almost begging.

"God, you are beautiful." Merlin looks down on Arthur, offering himself, and the glorious view makes him almost fall apart. It takes a second to roll on the condom. He gently rubs the curve of Arthur's back before he fills him slowly push by push.

Arthur moans quietly at the initial burn, but Merlin just stops in time before it all gets too much and sends a bit of gold his way to make him feel more at ease. Arthur is full to the brim, feels Merlin pulsating inside him, feels his balls rubbing against his skin, feels gloriously owned and wanted. There is some discomfort, but the sensation inside him is incredibly delicious at the same time.

"Okay?" Merlin whispers, seeking Arthur's reassurance.

"Touch yourself." Merlin mumbles and groans when he watches Arthur wrapping his fingers round himself. The sight takes Merlin to the brink. Arthur is so hot and so tight and so gorgeous, and he is his. Totally his.

Arthur is close, he can sense it. He is panting wildly into the sheets underneath him, his fingers clawing into the mattress. Merlin pounds into Arthur once, twice and hears him cry out in ecstasy when he hits the sweet spot inside him. Arthur moans, loud and frantically as with each push, the burn subsides and gives way to the most intense pleasure.

Merlin thrusts slow and long, and then works into a steady rhythm. Arthur feels shaken to the core, trembles with each push and then, overwhelmed by pleasure and lust, his mind blanks and he erupts in sweet agony, mumbling Merlin's name all over again. And Merlin, dizzy with craze, follows him a second later and spills into Arthur, shuddering violently from the powerful high.

They finally still, covered in sweat and come, remaining motionless until their breathing has returned to normal and the waves of passion have died down.

"Merlin..." Arthur sounds almost broken, still trembling and gasping for breath.

Merlin slowly pulls out and he hears Arthur hold his breath. It is strange how bereft he feels without Merlin inside him.

"Are you okay?" Merlin runs his fingers tenderly over Arthur's cheek.

Arthur turns round and collapses on the sheets. He looks debauched and spent and utterly beautiful. He stretches out his arms towards Merlin and pulls him in as much as possible. Their foreheads are bumping together and each can feel heat radiating off the other. Neither needs to speak because they both can sense the connection between them, and Merlin's gold is humming in content, flowing between them like an invisible bond.

ooooooooooooooooo

They sleep in longer the next morning and when Merlin peeks through half opened eyelids he finds Arthur lying next to him staring. Merlin's heart starts beating a bit faster when he realizes that his gaze is directed at his chest. It looks as if Arthur is thinking, but whatever it is, it is certainly not happy thoughts. Because his eyes are dark and full of yearning, and a little bit sad.

Merlin cringes inside. It seems Arthur is starting to find the whole non touching business a bit tedious and frustrating. That was the first step with Edwin. That is when it all started going downhill. Merlin presses his eyes together and takes a deep breath. The therapy has to work. It simply must. And he has to speak to Arthur about what happened to him. He is just about to open his eyes and do exactly that when Arthur runs his hand through Merlin's hair.

"Come on you lazy sod. It is time to get up." At that he rolls Merlin on his back and proceeds to place kisses all over his face.

"Hey. Get off me." Merlin chuckles and tries to push Arthur off.

"My turn to be on top!" Arthur sounds deliberately outraged, and he grabs Merlin's wrists holding him down so he cannot move.

"Hmmm." Merlin relaxes into Arthur's firm grip, purring like a cat.

"You are not supposed to enjoy that." Arthur smirks.

God. How can he not enjoy having Arthur all over him, owning him with his lean muscly body and looking dangerously amorous.

"You are mine." Arthur whipsers and Merlin shudders. And then he lets Arthur take charge and prove just that.

Two hours later they are back on their way home. It is a long drive and the traffic is most likely to be heavy at the end of the holiday weekend. When they hit the M25 after a good four hour journey, Arthur suddenly looks up.

"My father spoke to me on Friday morning, Merlin."

Merlin is immediately alert. "Yes?" This does not sound good.

Arthur thinks back of their conversation with disgust. He did not want to trouble Merlin with this before the weekend, but they do have to talk about it.

"How is your counselling getting on?" Uther asked him out of the blue after a meeting.

"Fine." Arthur answered monosyllabically. But his heart started to pound heavily.

"So when will you and Vivien move in together again?" Uther scrutinized him thoroughly and Arthur felt himself blushing under the look.

"There is no firm date for that." He answered and moved away to avoid any further questions. But Uther is not one for getting the brush off.

"I cannot say I am impressed with that infamous miracle counsellor, what's his name…." Uther sounded rather hostile at that point.

"Merlin Emrys." Arthur muttered unwillingly. Even mentioning Merlin's name to Uther felt wrong.

"I thought this unpleasant business would be sorted by now." There was obvious impatience in his father's voice.

"These things take time, father." Arthur tried to pacify Uther.

"It seems to me that you have spent enough time with this Merlin to show some results for it." Uther snapped back. "Maybe I should ask Gaius to allocate someone else to you."

"Surely that is for me to say. It is my business." Arthur was getting annoyed now. Why did his father always, always have to meddle in his life? Why did he always have to take over? Why did he have to be so bloody patronizing all the time?

"But it is my empire, it is Pendragon Industries, that is on the line here." Uther's voice was ice cold and menacing. "Something you don't seem to care about. Without an heir all will be lost to someone else. Everything I have worked for all those years would be for nothing. Do you understand?" Uther glared at Arthur.

"And I would like to make one thing crystal clear. Again. It is your bloody duty to ensure that there will be an heir. " Uther sends Arthur a deadly look. "Just go and fuck that little wife of yours, for goodness sake. It can't be that hard, surely."

Arthur blanched visibly. This was just out of order. He was not willing be ordered around like that anymore.

"It is my personal life, father." Arthur retorted in a determined voice. "And I will do this, the way I see fit. It will take as long as it takes. Whatever your feelings are on the matter." And at that Arthur walked away and left Uther standing in the corridor.

Merlin's stomach drops as Arthur recounts the meeting. For some reason he gets the feeling that they are going to be outrun by events. That they are swept up in something they have not got complete control over.

"What are we going to do?" He mutters more to himself than to Arthur.

"I have to think about this very carefully." Arthur remarks in thought.

Merlin looks at him and he cannot help anxiety rising inside him. Uther is putting Arthur under a lot of pressure. And Gaius and, of course, indirectly himself, too. A deep sigh escapes him and Arthur throws him a quick look.

"Try not to worry." He mutters and gives Merlin a small smile.

And then they have arrived at Merlin's flat and he is collecting his stuff from the boot. Before he goes he leans back into the car.

"That was the best birthday ever. Thanks." And at that he throws Arthur a kiss and lets him go.

"See you tomorrow!" Arthur gives him a wave and then he is off.

Merlin sighs again as he walks up to his flat. He has no intention of staying up late tonight. Lance is coming first thing in the morning for a therapy session. It is not exactly the best of times, but Merlin's missed one appointment when he was away and Lance is going on a seminar for the rest of the week.

So he has taken this early slot because he cannot afford to let this slip. The sooner there is some progress, the better. Not that he has seen a lot so far. The fear is still as intense as ever, but he is not giving up yet. He can't.

So he has an early night and is up before Lance rings the bell at half past seven.

"Morning." Lance grins. "Are you all ready for this?"

"I never am" Merlin replies rather dryly. "Want a cup of tea before we start?"

"Great." Lance moves into the kitchen to boil the kettle and Merlin gets everything ready in the living room. Lance suggested last time to try and put some music on that might help to distract his mind further. Merlin flicks through his CDs, looking for something powerful, something that catches his attention. A second later he has found what seems to fit the bill. He has always loved Freddy Mercury, the power of his voice, his charisma, his incredible talent.

He puts the CD on and leans back on the sofa when there is a big clash in the kitchen.

"Ouch! Fuck!" Lance shouts at the top of his voice.

Merlin rushes through to find Lance covered in tea from top to toe.

"The handle of that cup broke." Lance explains while he hurries to take his burning hot jeans off and throw his T-shirt onto the floor.

"I am so sorry, Lance. Let me take your jeans and put cold water on the stain."

"Don't be daft. You're not my servant." Lance grumbles and disappears in the bathroom.

Merlin resumes his position on the sofa and thinks back to the last three days. It was a brilliant weekend. The longer he knows Arthur, the more he wants to be with him. That last night was just ….. he has not the words to really describe it properly. Just thinking about it is enough for his cock to react. His jogging pants are bulging suspiciously by the time Lance is back from the bathroom.

"You had a good weekend then?" Lance grins throwing him a knowing look. He can hardly miss Merlin's arousal.

"It relaxes me, thinking about it." Merlin retorts, kind of defending his pathetic state and looks at Lance, barely dressed in his boxer briefs.

"Get yourself a T-shirt out of there." He waves at the chest of drawer at the back wall.

Lance throws on one of Merlin's 'Save the Rainforests" T-shirts and then sits down next to him on the sofa.

"Ooops!" Lance gets up again. "Left my mobile in my wet jeans!" and he rushes to the bathroom to retrieve it. Merlin closes his eyes concentrating on Freddy Mercury's voice and his thoughts about Arthur. He pictures his face and the way his lips move on his, on the depth of his blue eyes and his crooked smile. And without realizing his head falls back onto the sofa and his lips open wantonly. Arthur. His whole mind is just consumed by that one word.

"Now where did we leave off, Merlin?" Lance has returned from rescuing his mobile and places himself as near to Merlin as he can. And then he touches him as he has done so many times before in the hope that all this suffering will have some benefits for Merlin in the end.

Merlin groans under his hand and tries to stave off the fear as long as he can.

"Forget what has happened to you so long ago. Just try to relax." Lance whispers in support.

Neither hears the front door opening and closing again.

* * *

Well. What can I add to that? What do you think?

Love to hear your comments and ideas, as usual! Thanks. XD


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